MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Festive Kwanza! May your drinks be filled up to the rim, and your knives be pushed in to the hilt. Enjoy this time of year.  Snuggle up by the fireplace... and watch a horror movie. See you in January, friends.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #24: Year End Lists About Horrifying Things.

Here it is.  The final day of the Horror Advent Calendar.  The Climax.  The twist.  The ultimate reveal. And guess what, not everything is as it seems.  I knew what I was doing here.  You've all played into my plan perfectly.  Don't you see?  You were all my victims the entire time!  Bwahahaha! I write …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #23: Angry Birds.

Yep, you heard me.  Angry Birds. But, wait!  How can you actually call our beloved Angry Birds something horrifying?  How on Earth can you besmirch the beloved finger-pleaser that is Angry Birds?  But... Wait... This... Stop... You just... YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! Oh, but I can.  I've had enough of these little bastards.  They're turning …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #22: The Film Industry’s Lack of Imagination.

This, to me personally, might be the single most horrifying trend of 2011. Lately, everyone is talking about the decline of the movie industry.  There aren't as many viewers heading to the multiplexes.  There aren't as many DVD sales.  There just doesn't seem to be as much interest.  People in my industry are FREAKING out. …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #21: Carmageddon.

I couldn't talk about the horrifying events of 2011 without mentioning--*insert booming voice here*--CARMAGEDDON!!!  Or as others called it, CARPOCALYPSE!!!  Or as I ended up calling it, "the single most pleasant weekend in the history of Los Angeles." Obviously this one was personal because I live in LA, but I know for a fact that …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #20: New Words Added in 2011.

As a writer who actually loves words, sometimes I get a little ornery when they release the Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary's list of added words for the year.  I'm pretty much the furthest thing in the world from pretentious--I write slasher films for God's sake--but still this just makes me sad.  I solemnly shake …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #19: “Self” Santas.

  The continuing effort toward the complete and utter domination of selfishness continues.  Sure, you see it in politics all the time, and the workplace, and definitely wall street, and well, pretty much everywhere.  So why should it shock me that it's now seeping into what is supposed to be the most selfLESS and giving …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #18: Justin Bieber Exists.

The true face of horror. Enough said.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #17: The Return of “Mom” Jeans.

Sigh...  Mom Jeans.  Or what American Apparel calls them, "High-Waist Jeans" or "Easy Jeans."  Whatever you call them, I call them vomitously awful.  And yes, I had to make up the word, "vomitously" for this.  Such garbage deserves a word. Seriously, have you seen these things?  They are true horror in fashion form.  And yes, …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #16: The “Learning” Channel

Okay, here's some true horror for you...  TLC actually stands for the The Learning Channel.  Haha.  Yeah, right... TLC stands for "The Learning Channel" about as much as Fox News is "fair and balanced."  Look, I don't care what your political learnings are, I really don't, but we can ALL agree that there is nothing …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #15: “Snooki” has a Book.

Sigh... This dwarf sack of slut garbage has a book.  She knows that 98.4% of her fan base can't read, right?  And the other 1.6%, well, this will only be the second book they'll ever read after "How to Eat Fried Worms." WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???? How is this possible?  If …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #14: The Rise of “Air” Things.

First there was air guitar, next came air drumming, now air sex?  Seriously??? When did NOT doing an act start gaining popularity against actually DOING said act?  I'm telling you this new air trend is truly horrifying to me.  Air guitar, air drums, air keyboard, air upright bass, air harp, air clarinet, whatever the hell …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #13: Christmas in July.

When Christmas starts to take over Halloween, THAT'S where I draw the damn line. Originally I always found it horrifying that Thanksgiving was the sad forgotten middle child squeezed between Halloween and Christmas.  It was sadly never celebrated in the retail markets.  It was always pumpkins, bats, and witches until Oct 31, then BAM, Christmas …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #12: The Overuse of 3D.

We actually live in three dimensions, right?  I'm just making sure that looking around me, yep, there are actual shapes that have height, width, AND depth.  That's where I exist alright.  Amazing...  It's almost like I can reach out and physically touch the things I'm looking at. Wait... I can.  Because I LIVE here. So …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #11: College Coaches.

Welcome to 2011's new face of horror. Again, it's the weekend, so it's another quick and easy pick so I can chill and watch football.  Ironic then, that the people that coached almost all of these players are my horrifying pick for today.  Honestly, are there more horrifically evil people out there right now?  Step …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #10: Donald Trump.

What a bloated bag of foul hot air.  I chose an easy one for today's horrific entry in the 2011 Horror Advent Calendar because it's yet another December weekend, I was up at the crack ass of morning watching the lunar eclipse with a way too perky 3rd grader obsessed with astronomy, and this dirtbag …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #9: Red Velvet Everything.

Okay, so this one I know is going to cause me some hatred (especially from my wife), but hear me out and you'll see why I find this trend so horrifying. Years ago, when it was more of a rarity, remember when you had a slice of red velvet cake and it was such a …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #8: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Could it be?  An actual horror movie recommendation from someone who prides himself on horror movie recommendations?  It's a Christmas miracle! I figured I had to throw in at least one holiday themed horror flick from this past year.  And if you're into twisted reinventions of common myths, then you're not going to do much …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #7: Extreme Christmas Lighting

Okay, so here we go again...  Yet another thing that started so simple and nice, and injected with that secret sauce of "WE CAN GO BIGGER!"  Christmas lights used to be a nice little thing for me when I would drive around our small town with my parents and we would look at the various …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #6: Jack and Jill.

This happened.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #5: KFC “Famous” Bowls

Now if everything about these "famous" bowls isn't absolutely horrifying, I guess I just don't know horror at all.  Have you actually looked at these things?  I mean dear GOD.  All I can think of is that bowl of vomit eating scene from Peter Jackson's utterly vile, yet delightful, movie Bad Taste (yep I squeezed …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #4: The Rising Cost of Bacon

Jewish and Muslim friends... please look away for a moment. On this Sunday morning when I usually make a large breakfast for everyone in the house, of course I think about bacon.  Well, let's be honest, I think about bacon a lot.  Like... a lot.  It's a problem actually.  So when I've slowly noticed the …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #3: Death of Steve Jobs

Okay, it's the weekend and during December, the weekends are more packed then the weekdays, so this weekend, I'll just be doing two very short picks for the 2011 Horror Advent Calendar.  Basically just a few sentences. Today, my pick for one of the most horrifying scenarios of 2011 was the death of Steve Jobs. …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #2: Rich Douchebag Lexus Commercials

  Okay, so trust me when I say that everything on here will relate to horror in some way.  In this case, I'll just flat out say it... we're dealing with zombies here people.  Not the good kind of flesh-eating, puss-dripping, rotting from every pore, zombies.  But rather the mindless advertising zombies. This is an …

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #1: The Kardashians.

Yes, I know you're used to me focusing on horror movies, but as you'll see by my first pick, true horror comes in allllll shapes and sizes.  Horror is all encompassing.  Horror is everywhere you turn.  So yes, I will pick some movie moments in this Horror Advent Calendar, but I will broaden the range …

I’m Back. This Time With a Horror Advent Calendar.

Okay, so I took November off.  Sue me. But honestly, can you blame me?  October is such a freakishly packed month of everything horror, it should almost be mandatory for everyone in the horror business to take November off to recover.  In addition, lethargy also take hold because November holds another of my favorite holidays, …