2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #23: Angry Birds.

Angry Bird

Yep, you heard me.  Angry Birds.

But, wait!  How can you actually call our beloved Angry Birds something horrifying?  How on Earth can you besmirch the beloved finger-pleaser that is Angry Birds?  But… Wait… This… Stop… You just… YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!

Oh, but I can.  I’ve had enough of these little bastards.  They’re turning us into 5-second attention spanned zombies, and they may bring upon the end of the world as we know it.  You’ll see why in a moment.

Look, I’ve played Angry Birds.  A lot.  Everyone has.  It’s everywhere.  You can’t escape these little assholes even if you tried.  There are multiple apps, even dealing with different seasons.  Hell, there was even a tie in with the movie, Rio, complete with it’s own app.  They’re on every phone.  They’re on computers, TV’s, game systems, even the new Roku has them built into it.  They have stuffed animals, TV shirts, posters, they even have their own Google commercial.  There’s even a series of games now where you can recreate the angry birds levels in reality.  They. Are. EVERYWHERE.  But here’s the deal.  And this is something that you may not even realize, but they are zombifying our race.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone lately?  Watch TV for longer than 15 minutes?  Or even cook a meal?  I’m betting that in the middle of that conversation, during a “slow” part of the show, or maybe that 2 minutes while something is boiling, you’ve fired up your Angry Birds.  “I’ll just do one level.”  You tell yourself this.  But that level turns into two…  three…  Damn, two stars? That’s bullshit.  I need those three stars.  I need to do it over and over!  I need more!  Cave level?!  Sweet!  The food can boil over!  I don’t care about the ending of that show!  Who the hell needs to have human interaction when I have my beloved ANGRY BIRDS!

They’re destroying us from the inside out.  First they seem so sweet and innocent, but then the addiction grabs hold.  It’s like a python.  Maybe it first it may seem like a sweet massage, but just wait until your bones start to crack, one by one, tighter in its grasp.  This is what the Angry Birds are doing to our attention span.  They are snapping its bones one by one.

It’s almost impossible for us to do anything for more than a few minutes now because we need constant action.  We need to fill every small gap with something more and more and more!  This is a horrifying trend.  They say that Jazz is best defined by the gaps in the music.  By what you don’t hear.  This is true for our lives as well.  We need those little gaps between things to reflect and really think about what’s going on, what’s happening around us, and what our next move should be.  But now we’re filling those gaps with Angry Birds.  And our world is going to shit.  Coincidence?  I think not.

So the next time you think, “I have a few minutes, I can fire through a few levels of Angry Birds.” Remember, you could be aiding in ending the world as we know it.  We need those gaps.  Savor those gaps.  Take a breath and just let a moment sit.

Don’t fill them with these little Horsebirds of the Apocalypse.  They bring nothing but pain.

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One thought on “2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #23: Angry Birds.

  1. Paragraph 7 and 9, classic. I appreciate and concur. Damn horsebirds. Of course I can say that because I have no sense of physics and suck at the game.

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