2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #9: Red Velvet Everything.

Red Velvet

Okay, so this one I know is going to cause me some hatred (especially from my wife), but hear me out and you’ll see why I find this trend so horrifying.

Years ago, when it was more of a rarity, remember when you had a slice of red velvet cake and it was such a nice, welcome treat?  It felt familiar, yet slightly different.  I was kind of like a rich chocolate cake, but not really.  There’s an addition of vinegar, and buttermilk, and a few other things you couldn’t quite put your finger on…  And the best part was it finally gave you a reason to eat cream cheese frosting on something other than shitty carrot cake.  It was just simply a delightful treat.  Well, thanks mainly in part to the explosion of cupcake stores, this joyful feeling is going away.  Like anything that explodes in popularity, the uniqueness and quality is going down.  Way down.  And it’s taking everything I love about the idea of red velvet cake down with it.

Red velvet is still found in cakes and cupcake shops all over, but now you can also find red velvet doughnuts at Krispy Kreme, red velvet pancakes at IHOP, red velvet cookies at the grocery stores, hell, I even saw red velvet hot cocoa at Coffee Bean the other day.  It’s everywhere!  Why is this a problem you ask?  Well, most of these items are not even red velvet at all.  They’re not making that unique “off” taste you get from a true red velvet cake.  This is why I love red velvet in the first place.  Because it IS a little “off.”  But now, they’re simply adding red food coloring to a normal chocolate mix.  They’re bastardizing the entire process, and due to this, all the people in the world who have never actually had red velvet cake are going to eat it for the first time and go, “yum, I love red velvet cake.”  And it’s not even red velvet, it’s just chocolate!  And then what will happen?  This will become the new normal, and the actual red velvet recipes will go away.  Once again, something that was at one time, “off”, will have its edges shaved down and will just just conform to be a bland and boring existence.

Thus, the horror of this is that by exploding red velvet into everything, you’re actually killing it.  I hope you’re happy, murderers.  I guess the red in this velvet isn’t food coloring at all, it’s red from the blood on your hands.

Enjoy your red blood cake, world.  You made it yourself.

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3 thoughts on “2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #9: Red Velvet Everything.

  1. Although I know you are simply ranting the loss of an interesting cream cheese frosting vehicle, this thought is metaphoric of a whole marketing and social phenomena. The early adapters clue into to something interesting when it is new, expensive, odd yet provacative. As this thing moves to the mainstream the early adapters move on while the majority assumes themselves cool for joining up, timing and authenticity means less to them than participation. In cake you are at the vanguard Jeff, now is the time to find the new edge. Blue velvet cake? You eat it and begin to feel really really odd.

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