2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #1: The Kardashians.

Yes, I know you’re used to me focusing on horror movies, but as you’ll see by my first pick, true horror comes in allllll shapes and sizes.  Horror is all encompassing.  Horror is everywhere you turn.  So yes, I will pick some movie moments in this Horror Advent Calendar, but I will broaden the range as well.  Because when I think of what honestly terrified me the most this past year… it’s the Kardashians. And you’ll see why they play into the “horror” realm soon enough.

I just ask one question…  Why are they popular?

Have you ever thought about that for a moment?  I mean they honestly have zero to give to society.  ZERO.  Not a single thing.  I mean what they do actually give to society is all garbage, refuse and herpes.  That to me doesn’t count.  For years I had to listen to my friends who watched their show say things like, “Oh, I like to watch to make fun of them,” and “I just watch it for mindless entertainment.”  Well listen people, it’s not mindless anymore.  This is where the horror comes in…

The Kardashians are f*#@ing vampires.

Yes vampires.  Oh, but they don’t suck blood like most vampires.  They suck humanity, good faith, and intelligence.  Oh and Kim sucked a dick once, which is how they got famous in the first place, but more on that in a moment.  The more they exist, the more this entire world is in danger.  They sadly define a culture that I want no part of.  Obviously by now everyone has heard all of the despicable things they’ve done, from the 17 million dollar wedding, to the crooked credit card scams, and so on, and so on, so I won’t focus on that here.  What I will focus on is what scares me the most.  They are seen as ROLE MODELS.  Role models.  Let that sink in.  These people are the worst example, role or model, you could ever dream of.  They’re selfish, self absorbed, and could care less about any of you unless you gave them free $1000 shoes and the cover shot on a magazine.  Then they’d feign interest in you for a minute, THEN step on your face.  They did a study.  50 years ago when kids used to be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Their answers used to be, “fireman“, “policeman“, “doctor.”  They asked kids today, do you know what the answer is now?  “I want to be famous.”  Famous.  They don’t care how.  They just want to be famous.  Just like the Kardashians.  Selfish, awful role models, but are “famous.”  This is why they are vampires.  They’re sucking the humanity out of all the next generations.  Soon, this whole world will be filled with nothing but shitheads.  Just like vampires, they’ll turn them all.

Wow, this article went A LOT longer than I set out for it to be, but I guess I had a lot of pent up frustration and horror inside me because I still don’t feel like I’ve even touched the surface.  Regardless, I want to end with one final thought/request.  Ralph Garman, one of my all time favorite people, from the Los Angeles station KROQ (and awesome Babble-On Hollywood! podcast with Kevin Smith) started using the name, “porn star Kim Kardashian” whenever he does a news story about her.  It’s genius.  Why?  Well, it’s quite simple, he states that’s what she is.  That’s why she’s famous.  That’s why ANYONE has heard of her.  She is a porn star that sucked a dick on camera (badly and without passion, I might add.)  So I want to keep that going.  Please America, heed Ralph Garman’s plea.  Refer to her as “porn star Kim Kardashian” from now on.  Because that what she is.  She sucks for money.

They all do.  Goddamn vampires.  All of them.

Poor Kim crying

As a final thought, you should watch the SNL parody for their “divorce special.”  It’s pretty genius.  Here it is:



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