2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #14: The Rise of “Air” Things.

Air Sex

First there was air guitar, next came air drumming, now air sex?  Seriously???

When did NOT doing an act start gaining popularity against actually DOING said act?  I’m telling you this new air trend is truly horrifying to me.  Air guitar, air drums, air keyboard, air upright bass, air harp, air clarinet, whatever the hell your air instrument is, it’s all great when you’re jamming in your own brain to the music playing around you.  Hell I’ve used the steering wheel of my car as a drum ever since I learned to drive and put Slayer in my CD player (remember CD’s?)  But when something childish and imaginary starts getting mainstream, complete with contests and surprisingly serious competitions, that’s where we have to stand back and look at ourselves in the mirror.

What the hell is the meaning of this?  Could it be that actually doing these acts is too difficult, but we’re still a species who wants to win and achieve, so we’ve decided to just “perfect” the lazy and meaningless version of it?  Think about that for a moment because that’s a scary thought.  I mean learning the guitar is actually hard, with all those chords and all.  And drumming, man, actually keeping those beats, that’s tough.  But hey, if we could just move our hands around and act like we’re doing it, I could be good at that.  I could still achieve at something while not actually achieving anything at all!  Perfect!  In fact, I’ll try and be the best I can at this meaningless version and give myself some faux self-worth in some competitions against other WAY underachievers.  I just can’t wrap my head around the concept.  Seriously, it’s these competitions that are driving me to madness.  I mean, a competition for something that isn’t anything?  Sigh, seriously.

But lately, I saw a news story that took this to the next level.  And this is what I find the most haunting.  Air SEX is now on the rise.  Yep, you heard me right.  Go to www.airsexworld.com if you don’t believe me.  These are people that go out on stage and try to simulate hot sex, whatever the specific situation may be.  They’re judged and winners are presented.  Now, the real sad part is that when I was looking through the pictures of most of the contestants, I swear these looked like people that may have never had sex in their lives.  But, on the rare chance that they actually have had experience, why would you do this?  I mean, really?

Look, the gaining popularity of these air things of course just could be a lame trend that will come and go.  But… what if they gain so much popularity that people stop doing the things they’re mimicking?  What if people stopped actually playing instruments, and hell, stopped having sex?  What if just acting like you were doing it was good enough?  We’re looking at the end of our world, people.  The end of days!  Air competitions will cause the world to end in December 2012!  You heard it here first!!!

No, probably not.  But until then, these idiots will still be miming their little hearts out.  Yes, miming.  And when these contestants are out there strutting their bodies around pretending to do something they’re not, they should ask themselves this question – does anyone like mimes?

No.  Everyone in the entire world hates mimes.  It’s a scientific fact.

So stop miming and actually pick up a guitar, play some drums, or actually get laid.  If it proves too difficult, find a damn copy of RockBand, grab a Paper Jam guitar, or just look on Craig’s List.  You’ll find with these devices, all three things can prove quite easy.


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