A Guide to all the Selfish Pricks Who Won’t Self-Quarantine. *UPDATED.

20 40 Ways (and adding) to Stay Inside and Not Be a Selfish Prick.

*(updated 3/23/20)

Hi, my name is Jeff Dixon, and I’m here to help during this time of crisis.

Whether people like it or not, we’re all in this Coronavirus pandemic together. Covid-19 doesn’t discriminate and could come for us all. Yet, there are some amongst us who don’t think so — an entire sub-section of people who feel this whole self-quarantine thing doesn’t pertain to them.

I’m speaking about those collectively known as the “Selfish Pricks.”

Selfish Pricks have been around a while, so we should all be used to seeing them by now. You might see Selfish Pricks change lanes without blinkers, and cut people off, whenever they drive. Other Selfish Pricks are the line cutters, who think they belong in front of you, since everyone else doesn’t matter. You’ll see many Selfish Pricks on TV — usually on daytime talk shows or The Bachelor. Most recently, Selfish Pricks are the ones filling their entire shopping carts with all the toilet paper and rice for no damn reason, simply because they want it, and who cares about anyone else’s needs. It’s the Selfish Prick way.

Yeah, we all know who the Selfish Pricks are. Hell, they know who they are too, but are too selfish to care. But the thing is, we’re now at the point where their Selfish Prick-ish behavior could actually harm, or even kill, many vulnerable people. I still see so many of the Selfish Pricks hanging in their Selfish Prick groups, heading out with other Selfish Prick friends, and simply refusing to stay self-quarantined like the rest of us non-Selfish Pricks.

But fear not, Selfish Pricks! I’m here for you.

As difficult as it is to fathom sometimes, I understand that Selfish Pricks are human beings too. They need help just like the rest of us. Finally, I decided to create this public service announcement for that select group. Although, this list can work for everyone stuck inside wanting to pull their own hair out… one-by-one… with tweezers… simply because it makes them feel alive… Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah…

Selfish Pricks, and everyone else, here is a list of self-quarantine ideas to help you get through this insane time period of life, and help others survive in the process. I’ll start with a few normal ones, and progressively get more specific…

*This will be a constantly updating list of new ideas. These first 20 ideas are current as of 3/19/20.
*(updated 3/23/20 with 20 more… The Selfish Pricks need more ideas.)

  1. Learn an instrument. Although, why not go for a weird one? Ten years from now when you’re nailing that accordion, you could be the next Weird Al!

  2. Learn a new language. Again, why stick with the normal ones? Learn Klingon, or that weird one Milla Jovovich spoke in The Fifth Element.

  3. Binge watch Rick & Morty. I mean, obviously you can binge watch anything. You already are. But for the love of God, if you haven’t binge-watched Rick & Morty, do it. Now. It’s on Hulu.

  4. Zoom your friends in and share a dinner. It may sound silly, but it’s actually a ton of fun. We’ve had a lot of “dinner dates” with friends since this started. We all eat at the same time, at our own table, and have all the same inappropriate and awkward conversations as we usually do.

  5. Play Cards Against Humanity online with friends. Just because you’re by yourself, doesn’t mean you have to stop being filthy. Play here –>  http://playingcards.io/game/cards-against-humanity

  6. Find a cam girl/cam boy that can be your Coronavirus soul mate. Look, we all have needs, and if you don’t have the opportunity to wreck someone you live with, find someone virtually that can help you wreck yourself.

  7. Jackbox.tv. This is an awesome set of group games that you can play with anyone in the world. You have no idea how much this helps. *To clarify, we use Zoom (or Skype, or Facetime, etc) for this. We have one camera pointed at the same screen, then everyone else just watches that and puts in the same website code. I’m sure there are other ways too. It’s a great resource.

  8. Exercise in a bizarre way. Set up a seriously weird circuit training with strange things you find around the house. Grab some heavy books for one station, maybe an office chair for a step-up in another, or even big bags of rice to use as sand bags. Just don’t spill the rice. That shit’s gold.

  9. A puzzle, Outsider-style. Sure, you could do a normal puzzle, but why don’t you do it like they did in HBO’s The Outsider. Try to complete it without looking at the picture on the box. Only look at the pieces… Mind. Blown.

  10. Start a battle with a neighbor for no reason. Throw a water balloon at their house and see what happens? Could be a lot of fun in the foreseeable future.

  11. Scan all your old family photos into your computer. You know damn well you’ve been wanting to do this for a while now. This is the time for those awkward childhood looks to live on forever.

  12. Marie Kondo all your shit. Seriously. You know you’re never wearing that 2003 Akron Marathon shirt again. It smells like savage taint.

  13. Go through all those “saved” websites and articles you told yourself you’d read later. You knew damn well you never were going to get to them, but here’s your chance!

  14. Read a friend’s screenplay. AGHAST! I know. Dire times…

  15. Create an Internet scavenger hunt. Come up with the most bizarre list of photos to find, then challenge a group of friends to find them. Then you all compare to see who found the best image of an Anaconda eating Nashville Hot Chicken.

  16. Recreate “copycat” recipes. I found versions of In-n-Out’s double-double animal-style, as well as Chick-Fil-A’s iconic homophobic-but-delicious sandwich. Try them out!

  17. Deliver hometown food. Goldbelly.com is an awesome site that has a lot of favorite foods from around the country. Give it a shot and eat a nice cheesesteak from Philly, or a deep dish from Chicago.

  18. Learn to swear in other languages. For some reason, it just helps. I’ll never forget the first time I learned to say, chingate (prounced cheen-gah-tay). You’re welcome.

  19. Pick drinking theme days. Look we’re all drinking more, so why don’t you pick theme drinking days. Monday – Vodka, Tuesday – Rum, Wednesday – Gin, etc…
    *On a side note, I think this should even include my Mormon friends, who have never drunk before. I’m sure the prophets will give you a pass right now.

  20. Get stoned. If you’re in California, Eaze.com is still delivering. Go ahead it’s legal. And you stoners were all doing it before anyway, so don’t lie. Whatever, take a mental break. Do whatever you need.

  21. Start an online poker homegame. As an avid poker player, I was seriously jonesing. Go to pokerstars.bet, download the software, then go to the “Home Games” tab to set it up. You can either just use the play money for fun, or (ahem) start an offline betting group with your buddies through Venmo. Hey, you’ll be back to losing money in no time!

  22. Organize your books on your shelf. This is for my OCD crew in the house. Maybe go alphabetical, or by size, or maybe by subject. Then maybe one day, you can actually read them.

  23. Rediscover those word game apps. Long ago I was OBSESSED with the Words With Friends and Scrabble apps. I had to delete them because I was wasting too much damn time. Guess what? Best time ever to reconnect with those friends that spell better than you.

  24. Get some damn culture. There are TONS of museums that have online walkthroughs. Go learn about Egyptian mummies n’ shit.

  25. Grow some herbs. Just do it on your doorstep or balcony. Always good to have some fresh mint for your mojitos.

  26. Draw something every day. This may sound stupid, and most people will say, “oh I can’t draw at all,” but just do it. You’ll be surprised how much better you get each day. Plus, it gives you a reason why you’re constantly staring at your hot neighbor. She’s your… inspiration.

  27. Take an online college course. Seriously! There are a whole bunch of online ones, even from places like Harvard. Do it. Then tell people you went to Harvard.

  28. Animal Live Streams. Do I really need to say more? Lots of zoos have them set up. Watching penguins walk like assholes or otters bang on camera is fun for hours.

  29. Order shit on Amazon you don’t need. So many people go out and shop for no damn reason. Just move that online.

  30. Get lost in Bob Ross’ gaze. It’s scientifically proven that if you watch 3 or more Joy of Painting episodes in a row, you’ll reach climax.

  31. Plan a future vacation. I dunno. Something to look forward to next year might be healthy.

  32. Go visit a virtual theme park. If you go to youtube, there are an insane amount of “ride-along” videos that encompass pretty much every major theme park ride in the world. Go nuts.

  33. Meditate. Put on some noise-reducing headphones and forget that your loud and annoying children aren’t constantly around you. I mean… get in touch with your inner self.

  34. Deep dive into an album. This LA Times article made me re-appreciate this. Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here FTW.

  35. Learn to juggle. When all this is done, maybe you can head down to the local promenade and entertain tourists for their amusement. You could make upwards of $2 a day!

  36. Chatroullete. Remember chatroullete? Is that even a thing anymore? Well, if it’s still there, give it a spin. It’s probably still 93% naked people.

  37. Throw away shit. Sure, this could correlate with #12, but this is different. This isn’t organizing shit. This is purging shit. Rip it. Burn it. Shred it.

  38. Punch the wall and other things. Get some anger out! Discover what in your house can be destroyed by a simple forceful fist! Or… what will turn your hand bones to powder. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised the things you can destroy. And what a workout!

  39. Fix holes in wall all over house. *See #30. Buy spackle.

  40. Learn first aid. Such a great tool to know right now. I think I’ll focus on hand care. For uh… no specific reason. Ouch.

  41. TO BE CONTINUED…

Here you go, Selfish Pricks, and anyone else who enjoyed reading. I hope this helps.

Who knows, maybe — JUST MAYBE — after we all get through this together, you’ll begin to realize that being a Selfish Prick doesn’t have to be permanent. You can come over to this side of the fence any time you want.

I’ll be the first person to play Cards Against Humanity with you. Just Zoom me.


 

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