Okay, there’s a reason why every year I choose a few ad campaigns that I find horrifying for this list. I mean hell, I do this whole Horror Advent Calendar thing during the month of December. This is the time when we’re completely inundated with ads telling us to buy, buy, BUY! And as always, one or two of the most egregious and annoying ad campaigns rise to the top of the heap to take the golden crown of annoyance. Last year it was those annoying rich douchebag Lexus commercials. This year it’s the new slew of god-awful “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” ads.
Have you seen these commercials? Okay, while I want to delve deeper into the evils of how their entire campaign exists solely to explain that buying jewelry solves all problems, and hell maybe they’re right (see Kobe Bryant, re: gift to wife during rape charges), but this year there’s something else about these commercials that hate. Something evil…
It’s obvious that this year they decided to double down on their marketing budget. With this added money, they created a slew of numerous little heartwarming “scenes” where people find reasons to give each other jewelry. They are so full of spoon-fed cheese and drivel, it’s incomprehensible. I discovered why I hate these commercials more this year. It’s because I can practically see the marketing team sitting around a table coming up with the situations. And it annoys the hell out of me. Here is how I visualize it:
“Let’s see, this year let’s focus more on divorced couples. There’s a big market there, Steve!”
“That’s a great idea, Steve!”
(In my hypothetical Kay Jewelers marketing meeting, they’re all named Steve).
“Okay, so we show a potential new stepdad talking to his potential new wife’s first daughter. She hates him, you see. But he’ll give her jewelry, and then she’ll love him for sure! I mean, she may resented him before, and been going through therapy to distill her suicidal thoughts of no self-worth ever since he’s been nailing her mom. But then he gives her jewelry! Bam! She loves him!”
“You’re a genius, Steve! First, we tackled the wives, now their daughters! We hit them young! Brilliant!”
“Oh and you know what, let’s put the girl on a swing! That’s America right there. Swings. Divorce. And overcoming resentment with jewelry!”
“I love it, Steve. I can’t wait to show these stupid, gullible, American viewers yet another reason how buying jewelry solves everything! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“HAHAHAHAHA! Oh Steve, you’re terrible.”
Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s how the marketing meeting went. Almost exactly. First girlfriends and wives. Now they’re going after our daughters. Trying to hit them young. This is the horror.
So the next time you see one of these abhorrent Kay Jeweler commercials, remember… every f*cking kiss does NOT begin with Kay. But do you know what does start with K?
And when I see this ad, that’s literally all I can think about.