Many of the horrific choices in my year-end Horror Advent Calendars start out initially as things I love. But like the greatest of horror movies, these things always take a horrible turn and change into something awful. Groupon is a perfect example. Groupon (and other sites like Livingsocial, Plum District, Bloomspot, etc) has literally exploded in popularity in 2012. People love Groupon deals. But sadly people don’t know the truth. Little do people know that they are nothing but diabolical little demons just waiting to prey on innocent victims. Sure, they always start out as sweet innocent Mogwai…
But they always end up transforming into soul-eating Gremlins.
Yes, I’m using references from a 1984 movie. Let me explain.
Groupon is, much like the Gremlin, a wonderful little wolf in sheep’s clothing. It knows that most Groupons bought are never used. See, that’s their trick. Oh man, that Thai Massage is only $40 when it’s usually $120? SOLD! See, this is the Mogwai. The lovely little furry guy that’s all cuddly and sweet. You just want to hug him and hold him and make him giggle forever. But then the expiration date comes and goes… Suddenly, poof, you’ve fed it after midnight. Now it’s the Gremlin. Now you’re stuck with the face value of your Groupon at $40, which is meaningless unless you want to pay the additional $80 to get some massage you really never wanted in the first place. Now you’re staring at the waste of money you’ve already dumped into the thing and have a personal battle of just letting the $40 go, or pouring bad money after good. Then you start to get more mad… You never wanted this stupid massage anyway. This was never on your radar in the first place. Why’d you lure me into this Groupon? What did you do to me? Why do I make horrible life decisions? What other bad life decisions have I made? Now I’m questioning my entire existence. And suddenly, you realize there’s only one way out. One decision that you know will be the right one. You grab a gun, and…
Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold up there. This is all hypothetical, right? RIGHT???
Well yes, but see, that’s Groupon’s trick. That’s Groupon’s power. That’s Groupon’s mischief. One second you’re in love with life and excited about the fact that you just bought 10 yoga classes for $30! Then the expiration passes and suddenly your life’s in the toilet and you’ve murdered all your friends with a screwdriver.
Now I know what some of you are saying. Just use it before the expiration date. Sure, that’ll work. The first time. Or the second… But trust me, Groupon will get you. That missed expiration date will come. It always comes… Then you’ll finally see the Gremlins for who they really are.
You’ve been warned America. Don’t be fooled.
If left unchanged, Groupon will be the end of us all.