Well, FINALLY it’s getting an overdue release. After making the rounds across the festival scene, getting praise from pretty much everyone that saw it, it’s finally landing in a few cities. It’s only playing on a few screens, so try and seek it out if you can. It’s really a great twisted little ditty that would be fun to watch with the right crowd. Here’s the recently released trailer.
Ahh, Friday the 13th… blessed, blessed day. We horror freaks are lucky that we usually get two of these wonderful holidays a year. It’s a day that is full of unique and wonderful opportunities for freaks like me to enjoy with fervor.
A day where slaughtering a hobo is met with a smile instead of indifference.
A day where bathing in blood isn’t frowned upon, but rather appreciated.
Basically, it’s a day when the devil puts his feet up, because we take over for him.
It’s a delightful day aided and built up by one man. A man that today, even makes hockey fans not initially think about hockey. A man so synonymous with a certain day that he could rival Santa Claus for chancellor of that category. I’m of course talking about Jason Voorhees. God bless that man/thing/demon/ambulance driver. Today, let’s make Jason happy. How, you ask? Well, here’s your challenge…
Today, on this special day, everyone simply accept some darkness into your life. It doesn’t all have to be killing and maiming. You can start soft and build. Punch a stranger in the eye for no reason. Ram a stick into a passing cyclist’s tire just because. Kill a hobo (they’re not people anyway, everyone knows that.) Regardless, do SOMETHING that would make Jason proud.
Jason will know. Jason always knows. And he will thank you.
And if you don’t… He’ll know that too.
I’d keep him happy if I were you.
I’ll leave you now. I have to go wash the hobo blood off my hands. It’s making the keys on my keyboard stick. But alas, a small price to pay for the sheer joy of blogging from atop the still steaming corpse of your latest hobo kill.
Just another Friday the 13th memory. Jason will be pleased.
So ever since Sundance, this blog has been mysteriously vacant. I know, I know, I know… Sorry about that, but I have a good excuse. I’ve been a little too busy being a zombie at my computer.
This is the curse of a working writer who also has a blog. When you’re on deadlines and writing like crazy, the last thing you have time to do is “write for fun.” And that’s what this blog is for me — fun. I really enjoy spreading my disturbing opinions across the even more disturbing, putrid, blood-filled universe that is the internet. But alas, these nuggets have to be put on the back-burner for now because of well… actual work.
I promise that what I’m working on right now will be worth it. Three back-to-back-to-back projects have dominated my time, but holy hell are they awesome. Let’s just say there is a mass amount of messed up and foul shit taking place in my brain right now, and yes, sometimes it even scares me. Especially the scene I just wrote yesterday with the fish hooks and the vat of rotting fish… If only we still had Smell-O-Vision… But I digress…
Anyway, to those who follow this blog, bear with me. Don’t go away. Please. I need my fellow freaks. Freaks feed on freaks.
I promise I’ll be back. More disturbing than ever.
Well, all good things have to come to an end. It’s at this moment that I bid adieu to you, Sundance.
As always, you had your ebbs and flows. The first weekend was completely insane, almost Vegas-like in it’s franticness. Streets are filled to the brim wearing fashions all over the board, most are definitely not suitable for 10 degree weather. For the few people who want to watch a movie, the wait list lines can be up to four hours long. The manufactured-solely-for-Sundance clubs hit capacity at 9pm, forcing everyone else, even if they’re on the list, to get frostbite waiting behind the asshole bouncers. More liquor flows than an AA meeting who just found out that the world is ending tomorrow. Oh, and yeah, there’s Paris Hilton. Stupid Paris Hilton, why the HELL do you come up there? You have no business there. God, I hate you. You epitomize the bits that I hate about the opening weekend of Sundance.
But after the first weekend when all the people who just came up to party go home, Sundance becomes… almost pleasant and cozy. Tuesday-Thursday are a movie-goers paradise. Wait lists and are simple and easy. The box office has no line. It’s like MY festival, and this is my absolutely favorite time. I see on average four movies a day, and it’s bliss. You can practically feel the ease in the air.
Then the final weekend is another party. Nothing compared to the first weekend, but more of a party that’s a mix of locals who make it up only for the second weekend (because a lot of that “LA riffraff” is gone), and the filmmakers who are celebrating the culmination of their weeklong “dream.” It’s got a different vibe than the first weekend. It’s more fun, more non-posery, and quite awesome.
Regardless, Sundance for me is more about the movies than the parties. I know, I love the parties too. I celebrate my fair share, but dammit if I’m not a movie nerd at my core. This week is my weeklong heaven to just immerse myself in an amazing films, and a hell of a lot of crazy midnight flicks. MY kind of flicks. And this year there was a lot of good to be had. To all the filmmakers, I salute you, my friends. Keep your independent shit, independent. It’s what makes the festival amazing.
Thank you Sundance. Thank you filmmakers. That wraps up my 18th straight Sundance, and I look forward to my 19th.
My brain is constantly full of bizarre things that are pretty much impossible to describe. At any given moment, it’s like a mass gathering of indescribable insanity. But you know, I enjoy it. It helps me write crazy shit and I’m never bored. This is exactly why I had a freakin’ blast with John Dies at the End. This movie is like my brain — chock full of indescribable insanity that is almost impossible to describe. Easy to understand? No. Conventional? No. Specific to any one genre? No. Entertaining as all hell? Oh, dear lord YES.
Let me try to sum up the premise. Well, there’s this guy John, and his friend Dave. One night, Dave gets a frantic call from John and discovers that John has taken this strange new drug called, “Soy Sauce.” It’s like the ULTIMATE hallucinogenic. Only, um, it’s not really a hallucinogenic. It let’s you see and hear things that you weren’t supposed to… things that maybe are from another dimension? Things from hell? Things that are around us, but our normal eyes wouldn’t let us see? Well, figuring out what’s really happening is part of the enjoyment of the movie. It’s a MAJOR trip. And to be honest, when you find out what is happening, it’s more confusing than when you had no clue. Yes, this is that kind of movie. But guess what, I didn’t even care. I went along for the ride. But yeah, back to to John and Dave… So he takes this drug and all of a sudden he’s seems to be able to travel through time? Or more like can be in numerous different times all at once? It’s up to Dave to figure this all out. Hmm, it’s hard to explain. Let me get to the bratwurst telephone. Oh wait, maybe I should back up to the packaged frozen meat monster. But, I really should talk about the hell moths first. Okay, whoa… remember what I said about indescribable insanity? That’s what I’m running into here. Let’s just say it’s a story about a few friends who take a crazy drug and discover that they’re the only ones that can save the world. Yeah, that’ll have to work for now.
This movie is like a mad scientist who adds a few other mad scientists’ brains to his, in order to make an ultimate mad scientist brain totem pole. Because honestly there’s way too much insanity for one mad scientist brain. There is more imagination on display in this movie than any one movie I’ve seen in ages. Besides that fantastic packaged frozen meat monster (yes, he summons numerous packages of various frozen meats in order to create himself a body, complete with a turkey for a head), there is a girl that turns into snakes, a door handle that turns into a penis (so that, ha, the men won’t touch the handle), and a Vegas-style psychic that can banish demons by talking to them through a cell phone. Oh, and the best part? All of these things I just described are within the first 10 minutes! I’m NOT kidding. This movie is one of the most insane visual trips you will EVER see, and for those that appreciate imagination over all else, this is definitely for you.
For a little bit of comfort, there are some familiar faces that will keep you warm and cozy, like Paul Giamatti and Clancy Brown. In addition, the two leads, Chase Williamson and Rob Mayes are two guys you definitely want to follow, and win. But the “comfort” stops there, and that’s exactly how you want it. The director Don Coscarelli (a horror icon of mine, btw, director of Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep) knows exactly how to play with your brain. And for me, one of my favorite things is that he doesn’t always rely on CGI for all his effects. There are a decent amount, yes. But there are also a lot of practical effects work that are just fantastic. These old school touches mixed with the new school forms are the perfect thing to create an off-balance feeling of “what the hell am I going to see next?“
If you’re reading this, and you’re going, “I have no idea what this movie is about, or what even happens in it“, then that’s perfect. That’s what I want. It’s best to go into this movie knowing NOTHING. You want that off-kilter feeling of truly not knowing where this baby is heading. Because as things are revealed, I’m serious when I say you almost won’t believe it. It’s that insane… and awesome. Right down to the final scene, which made me immediately want the sequel, John Dies at the End… Again.
So if you like movies that are like one long all-you-can-eat buffet of psychedelic mushrooms, then like me, you will LOVE this. But if The Notebook is more your kind of movie viewing “adventure”, then stay away. This movie will literally blow your brain, Scanners style.
The Comedy is, in a way, a perfect example of what Joe Public probably thinks of when they think of a Sundance movie. It’s definitely a director’s vision, whether it makes any sense to actually put his vision on film or not. It’s pretentious as all hell. It’s an insanely low-concept character study with almost no driving story to speak of. It has some shocking scenes sprinkled in, seemingly in order to cry out, “Hey look, I’m SO indie! This would NEVER be in a mainstream movie, right?” And lastly it’s really, really, really slow. Yep, as I write this, I definitely think this is a non-Sundance viewer’s idea of a Sundance movie. Only here, they’re dead on.
The Comedy should actually be called, “Let’s Follow Around a Complete Asshole for 90 Minutes as he Hangs Out With His Asshole Friends, Says Asshole Things, and Just Meanders Through Life as an Asshole.” But now, come to think of it, that title might be a little too long. But that’s basically what this movie is. It’s the story of a 35 year old man who was born with tons of money, an entitled point of view, and no goals in life. He splits his sad existence between living on a boat in the middle of the river and just being a dick in any way possible. One thing he enjoys doing is pretending that he’s an employee at various places and fooling people into thinking he works there. Why? I’m sure the pretentious answer is that he’s “questioning his place in the world and testing all avenues to see if any place brings any comfort and enjoyment to him” or something like that. My answer would be, “just because.” And that’s what this entire movie felt like to me. It’s just one, long, “just because.” Nothing really has a point. There’s no normal story here. There’s not really any conflict. There are zero likable characters. There aren’t any of those pesky things that, you know, make a movie entertaining. Instead it’s filled with bits that are supposed to “test the audiences boundaries.” I love to have my boundaries tested in every way shape and form, and that’s why I was so let down by the film. I gotta tell you, I wanted this movie to work. I did. I really did. But it just didn’t.
There are a few good bits I should point out. A few of his “being an asshole” bits are actually kind of funny. The church scene and the cab scene worked for me. You laugh even though they’re being complete pricks. It’s this kind of perfect uncomfortable conflict that the director was probably shooting for, and I wanted more of. But those few bits didn’t make up for the countless times that it fell flat. Most of the time there was no point, no meaning, and worst of all, wasn’t funny even in a “being an asshole” way. I feel like there was an opportunity to really play with this theme, but this wasn’t it. Also, one other thing I liked was Tim Heidecker. As much as I really hated the character, Tim did a really great acting job. Usually known for his insane comedy, he played sad and dramatic really well. I have to hand it to him and definitely tip my hat to the guy. Regardless of the surrounding film, as an actor, he went up a whole bunch of notches with me. To borrow from the name of his TV show, “Awesome job, Tim. Great Job!”
The main problem I had with the film was it’s complete lack of purpose for existing. Look, I get it. It’s a character study on a wealthy prick and how he questions and fills his life. The final scene really hits home about how he just really never grew up and is essentially still just a child. Nobody can accuse me of not “getting it.” I get it just fine. It’s just, why, do I have to get it? Why is this something that anyone would want to see? I know there is an audience for everything, and I can’t fault people for what they enjoy, but for me, this movie just fell flat.
The most telling moment for me was at at the 75 minute mark when I checked the time on my phone. It wasn’t until after that reflexive moment that I realized, that was the first time the entire festival I’d checked my phone. That’s not a good thing. I never check the time during a movie. But it showed that I was as invested as I wanted to be. In the end, it seemed like one of the longest 90 minute movies I’ve ever watched. Oh well Sundance, can’t win ‘em all.
Every year at Sundance, there’s one movie that makes you go, “What the F*!# was that???” This year is no exception… Excision is definitely that movie. And shocker, I thought it was great. Although, holy hell should the phrase, “NOT FOR EVERYONE” be used in every discussion about this warped, twisted, confusing, entertaining, and wholly original flick. This baby has cult classic written all over it.
A friend of mine labeled this movie as “entertaining but unreleasable.” Well, he may be right by typical standards, but never forget about us twisted souls that enjoy a messed up, “unreleasable” movie. It’s for that reason that I think it is releasable, just in different markets from the multiplex. The multiplex would have to issue record refunds if the general audience had access to this baby, but the art house crowd will eat it up. Excision isn’t an easy movie to describe, but I’ll try to give it the ole heave ho. If I was forced to label it succinctly I’d say, imagine if 80′s David Cronenberg directed Pretty in Pink… but instead of pink, make it red. Blood red. Good lord is there a lot of blood in this movie. But it’s not the gore that makes it disturbing, it’s the protagonist we follow.
Saying Pauline is a weird girl is like saying the surface of the sun is a little warm. Pauline is messed up… and she’s our eyes and ears of this world. She does everything she can to look unappealing. She says anything on her mind to whoever will listen, including asking her sex ed teacher if you can get an STD from having sex with a dead body (and she’s not joking in her enquiry.) She dreams of being a surgeon, sometimes even practicing on the occasional dead animal. Oh, and she has an insane obsession with blood… dreaming about it, toying with it, even tasting it. When we enter her dreams, we enter a stylistic dreamland filled with some of the most twisted sex+gore related sequences you could imagine. These are messed up for sure. But it’s her real-life blood-related curiosities that make for some of the most cringe-inducing scenes. One scene in particular literally had our audience groan louder than anything I’ve heard in a while. I won’t ruin it for you, but wow.
Now, what makes this movie interesting to me is the fact that it seems to follow the John Hughes style of following around the outcast in a high school full of jocks and popular girls. She has a horrific relationship with her overly religious mother. Her father is nothing but a waste of space. Nothing around her seems to fit with her. In movies of this type, she’s the one we root for against the rest of the garbage around her. But as an audience, we’re uncomfortable “rooting” for her because while one second you’re right alongside her in her opinion, the next scene she’s getting off in her dreams hopping on top of a beheaded body and grinding on it. You’re pulled each and every direction, but that’s what so damn awesome. You just feel “off” every step of the way, and honestly have no idea what you’re thinking, let alone what Pauline is.
Now, to go into the rest of the details of this movie would be a travesty, but just know that it has cult classic written all over it. It’s a story of a high school outcast, her thoughts, the people she meets, dealing with her family, and trying to discover herself in the process. But it’s all seen through the eyes of what could almost be described as a sociopath. And hell, of course it has cult classic written all over it when Traci Lords is cast as the overly religious mother; Ray Wise is a strange, overly republican principal; Marlee Matlin, yes, Marlee Matlin, is a counselor at the school; Malcolm McDowell as a math teacher; and freaking John Waters as a PRIEST. All I’d have to say is John Waters is a priest and I think you know exactly the type of material you’re dealing with here. But throw all of that in, and top it off with a final 5 minutes that will have audiences talking, and you’ve got yourself some twisted gold.
At the Q&A, the director stated that John Waters himself told him that, “this is a really weird movie.” Now trust me people, if John Waters says that, you should know what you’re getting yourself mixed up in. But for those of us who hear those words and can’t wipe the smile off our faces, this movie is right down your alley.
Enjoy it, kids. I can’t wait until more people see this and we can all talk about the last 5 minutes… let alone the journey we took to get there.
Most people remember the first time they fell in love. You’re young. You’re kind of an idiot. You don’t really know exactly what you’re feeling, but strangely you both like and hate it at the same time. Awkwardness abounds, but it’s exciting. All these feelings and emotions are on display in the movie The First Time. It’s a charming little ditty that won’t wow you with anything exceptional, but takes you along for a gentle and adorable little ride. It’s like an early crush on the “sweet” girl… cozy and fun for a while, her smile makes you warm inside, but eventually you move on to that more twisted, dangerous girl with the tattoo. The First Time is kind of like that sweet girl. So as long as you aren’t into the dangerous types (like me, I admit), you’ll enjoy this sweet girl of a film.
Many times at Sundance the term “independent movie” equals “very talky movie.” The First Time is no different. This film is very talky. There is a lot of dialogue on display here, helped in part by the actors who always seem to nervously pack a few extra sentences into time spans usually allotted for less. The opening scene is basically 10+ minutes of just the two leads escaping from a party and meeting in an alley. It’s dialogue heavy and went on a little long for me, but I see what the director was doing. He wanted to show in its entirely how two random strangers can build a quick connection. It’s cute, if at times a little contrived. After these two are able to find this initial connection, the rest of the movie is dedicated to following their connection over the course of a weekend, and it goes from there.
I’ll admit it started a little slow for me. The extremely lengthy opening scene aided in that. But it starts to build on you. Following these two well cast actors as they both discover the “first time” they truly connect with someone of the opposite sex is pretty damn adorable. And a lot of that is due to the casting of two people that actually have a fantastic chemistry together. In a romantic comedy, chemistry is top of the list in importance for me. And here, these two just have it. With that chemistry, we as an audience will travel with them regardless of scenario because since we can see that they actually work together well, we are vested in pulling for them. The roadblocks and contrivances (yes there are a few) thrown in to break them up doesn’t matter to us because at the core, we’re all softies and want to see two people that should be together, be together. And it’s all because of chemistry. Kudos to the casting team and the director for nailing that so perfectly.
Some of the external bits or characters didn’t quite fit with me. Some just felt there superficially. Others just felt tacked on to try and make the film feel more “well rounded”, but in the end I didn’t really care. It’s about the couple. It’s pleasant to follow them and made me think back to my own high school experiences, and the pitter patter we all felt when we liked someone. It’s a nice feeling.
Even a hardened horror guy like myself found myself grinning in the end, so regardless of minor quibbles, I guess that’s what this kind of movie is about. We all love the scary tattooed bad girl (or boy), but let’s be honest, we need to crush on a sweet girl every once in a while. The First Time is that sweet girl. Go ahead and take her for a sweet spin.
To quote the Transformers, something that definitely helped craft my childhood, as well as that of the programmers in the film, Indie Game: The Movie is definitely more than meets the eye. At first look this is a glimpse into the world of independent programmers that most people don’t even know exists. But as you watch you begin to realize that the overall themes stretch far further than this simple premise. This is a story about any kind of entrepreneurial person that decides to follow their creative dreams and dedicate their life to following their passion. And as someone that fits that bill, this movie spoke to me on a very personal level. It’s perfect that Sundance, a showcase of independent filmmaking and proving ground for this kind of human being, chose it for its premiere.
Everything about this movie epitomizes independent. From the subjects in the film trying desperately to complete something extraordinary all by themselves, outside the “system”… to the filmmakers themselves, who used the crowd sourcing site Kickstarter as a way to actually get this movie made. Watching it from both points of view, you get a kind of postmodern look at true independence on two different levels. It’s the kind of thing that validates anyone who has gone through these trenches.
The movie itself follows a number of different independent programmers, but really hones in on three personal stories. One is the story of two, some might call them, “outcasts” who are trying to get their game Super Meat Boy released through the massive Microsoft XBox Marketplace. Another is the story of someone who literally puts his personal life stories into the game he’s making, and gets annoyed when people don’t see the deeper meaning he’s trying to portray. And the third is the gut-wrenching journey of a man who was throned a superstar with a bonafide hit on his hands far before the game was even finished. Now over four years later, he still hasn’t finished nor released it, due to his obsessive qualities and life changing trials. All three stories have more heart and soul than most Hollywood movies. We feel their trials. We experience every bump in the road. We are literally dragged through the mire time and time and time again. But we see these guys push through it all, and in the end, that’s what is so uplifting about this film. It shows people at their absolute most depressed and beaten down, but continue to courageously push through because it’s their passion. It’s seriously emotional stuff and one that I honestly feel most people could relate to in their own lives.
Indie Game: The Movie may not get as many older viewers because they could care less about gaming, but I’m here to spread the word. This movie at its core isn’t about gaming at all. It’s about struggle, following your dreams no matter how difficult, and staying true to yourself through it all. It’s really a powerful movie that comes out of what, at first, you think is a benign subject. But trust me, as you finish the film you realize there is nothing benign about these games at all. These games are essentially these people’s hearts poured out onto a screen. Truly fascinating and gripping. I highly recommend this film.
With all the films here at the festival, I guarantee that The Pact, what appears to be a simple haunted house tale, is going to be overlooked. That’s a shame because this is a well crafted and solid piece of spooky horror, complete with some interesting twists and turns. It was obviously created by a true fan of the genre and it shows. The director realizes that shocks and jolts only work if the right amount of suspense is put in first. This film has both the suspense and the seat-leaping jolts in spades.
I saw the short of the same name that this feature was based on at last year’s festival. It was a great little ditty that relied on a lengthy amount of suspense and an open ended mystery of what lies behind a specific door in the house. Lucky for me, that short is now essentially recreated as the opening of the film, but now we have another 85 minutes to fully discover the mystery. It begins with two sisters having to deal with the death of their estranged mother. One sister doesn’t want anything to do with her and won’t set foot in her house, and the other is doing her duty to stay there and put her affairs in order. When the sister staying in her house disappears, the younger sister is forced to come to the scene of the disappearance and start unravelling things herself.
Piece by piece this story unravels itself in an ever intriguing fashion. I enjoyed the fact that the director chose to respect the audience enough to let some things linger and take his time at the beginning. Really introducing us to the main character and letting the entire scenario sink in before pulling the rug out from under us. It’s this patience that lets this movies work. The long shots walking down hallways or approaching darkened doorways give us a true sense of dread that most horror movies nowadays don’t take the time for. That’s something I really appreciated. Sometimes things appear at the end, sometimes they don’t. It’s this kind of off-balance curiosity that keeps a viewer watching. Like I said before, the director obviously knows horror and it shows. In fact, as a horror weak myself, after watching this movie, I’m tempted to contact him so we can just grab a beer and talk horror movies for hours. You can tell he’s that type of guy. There are moments on screen that show it. Maybe only a fellow horror freak can notice, but they’re there.
Now without ruining anything, let me just tell you that what I loved about this movie is that nothing is truly face value on screen. You may think something, and it turns out something else. Or you may think you have something completely figured out, and well, no, you don’t. When all is said and done, and all the mysteries are revealed, sometimes this is when you feel let down by a movie. Here, I didn’t feel that at all, in fact, I appreciated the fact that a lot of the questions I had earlier actually made complete sense when all was revealed. It showed a stealthy mind that was completely on the ball as he wrote the script (even though he claimed in the Q&A that he was rushed.) Regardless, the guy knows what he’s doing.
It’s a solid installation in the haunted house genre with some serious jump out of your seat moments, as well and nail biting suspense. The Pact is one that I really hope catches on, because it respects the audience and delivers everything it sets out to do.
Well done sir, and if you want to grab that beer and talk The Shining, Videodrome or Alien, shoot me an email.
This review will be difficult to write. It’s easy to write about cookie cutter movies, their flaws, their lack of imagination, and what they could have done better. But here, you have such an original and unique vision, it’s almost like you’re watching a new genre of film for the very first time. The typical review of a film that doesn’t follow any of the normal rules of a typical movie just doesn’t work here.
Point blank, Beasts of the Southern Wild is a modern day masterpiece.
I haven’t been this exhilarated by a film in a long time. But like I said, it’s not because this film followed all the “rules” in such a perfect fashion. It’s more like this film created all new rules and just, in essence, reinvented the idea of what a film can be. I know this isn’t something that will translate into words easily, which is exactly why I said this wouldn’t be an easy review to write. Beasts of the Southern Wild is more like experiencing a dream. It’s like leaving your body and meandering through the ether of a consciousness that we didn’t even know existed. I don’t care if this doesn’t make sense to you right now, but trust me, after you watch it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. The brilliance showcased here will leave you absolutely floored.
The story revolves around a six-year old girl named HushPuppy who lives in her own shack alongside her father, Wink (who lives in an adjacent shack) out in the walled-off swamp areas of a not-too-distant future Louisiana. Their back-to-the-basics shantytown is called “the bathtub” for the fact that as the polar ice caps are melting, the water level is rising. They all know that soon their town will be completely underwater, but this town is full of strong souls that won’t leave their roots. This is their home, and no matter what, they’ll never leave and go to the other side of “the wall”, the large levee protecting the civilized world from the rising waters.
But regardless of the people, the town, her father, or even the parallel story of ancient prehistoric monsters called Aurochs that have been thawed from the melting ice caps and are on their way toward the bathtub (yes, you heard that right)… this is HushPuppy’s story. Her personal and physical journey is the centerpiece, and complete purpose, of this film. And she is the absolute top reason on a long list of reasons to experience this film. Possibly in the history of moviemaking, I’ve never seen a child performance such as this. You forget that she is six years old. She is an old soul and an absolutely remarkable force of nature.
Speaking of the performances, one thing that should be noted is that NONE of the actors in the film were professional actors. These are simply real people that had never acted a day in their life. The reality created because of this is just one more reason this film is such a unique and incredible creation. Another reason I have to mention is all about the music. The score is absolutely phenomenal. It drives you. It pulls you in. It’s not just there. It’s like the pulse of film. It’s just… gut wrenchingly beautiful.
Now, I know I may be wandering around in my review, telling pieces of the story, the characters, the land, the music, etc, etc, etc, but that’s what this film does to you. Just like waking from an incredible dream, experiencing it is transcendent and amazing. But as soon as you begin to try and tell someone about it, you start to fumble your words. Dreams are meant to be experienced, not read about. And Beasts of the Southern Wild is exactly the same way. It’s something you simply need to experience. I loved it so much I just can’t use my favorite tool of language to give it the tiniest bit of justice. Just let the film do that.
When it hits your theaters (and it will because Fox Searchlight picked it up at the festival for a huge sum), please, do yourself a favor and enter this truly unique and original vision. And we can finally have a way for all of us to experience the same incredible dream.
Oh, Tim and Eric. How you frustrate me. There are sparks when true comedic genius comes through… and then there are the other times when I feel like you were given an amazing golden opportunity to make comedy wildfire, and you just light your fart instead and waste the match. Tim and Eric’s Billion dollar movie is that golden opportunity. And while it starts out with the potential for the aforementioned wildfire, it basically ends up as a lit fart. Funny at first, but then just kinda stinky.
If you’re a fan, you know all about Tim and Eric. They are comedians with a truly insane show on Adult Swim. Each episode is only 12 minutes long and it is, well, utter madness. It’s a combination of bits that are really funny, bits solely there to make the audience uncomfortable, and then bits which just show strangely manipulated images that are the equivalent of a visual seizure. If you’re not a fan, you never will be. But if you enjoy this, you keep tuning in just to see how insane they’ll get. We’re gluttons that way. In 12 minutes that works. In 94, it just can’t hold. There are times when these bits show up in the movie and that’s when the movie shines. The audience is literally rolling with laughter. The “Chef” Goldblum opening bit… amazing. These are the bursts of fire in the lit fart. But then there are long stretches when they try to fill the gaps with a “narrative,” and these just don’t really fly. These are sadly long passages where no one in the theater really laughs, but may smile from time to time. These are the leftover stinky smells. But because we’re gluttons, we’ll linger through the stink hopping for another burst of flame to make us laugh.
It’s almost not fair to give that kind of comment, because these guys tried really hard. Like, REALLY hard to make their audience happy. But there’s only so much they can do. It’s true of any skit show that tries to go to a narrative. Skit shows work because if something falls flat, the audience know that all they have to do is wait a few minutes, and maybe the next one will be funny. In a longer narrative, if something falls flat, you have to be tortured with it for the duration of the movie.
Now, when the movie shines isn’t when they try to force some strange narrative on you. It’s when they do their strange 80′s looking bits. These bits are sheer genius and I love them so much. I kept wishing they’d all end with “Great Job!” Because that IS what I want to say to them when they hit. When they use their celebrity guests in smaller parts, and in their skits, they just rock it. Jeff Goldblum ruled. Michael Gross’s stinger at the end made me laugh out loud. But when their celebrity guests stay too long, they even get less and less funny. Zack Galifianakis is golden at first. The pool scene with him is laugh out loud hilarious. But then his later appearances just aren’t. Same with Will Ferrell. He’s great at first, then he seems to overstay his welcome. Same with John C. Reilly and Will Forte as well. The overall theme here is less is more. On the celebrity note though, one of my favorite human’s in the entire world in Ray Wise. Yet, sadly, he’s wasted in a disgusting, and just not funny, lengthy scenario that involves him being a spiritual “cleanser” that involves cleansing you in a LOT of shit. He rules. That bit did not. Tim and Eric are waaaaay too obsessed with shit. It seems to be an ongoing theme in the entire movie, and I’m just not on board.
Long story short, when they try to make you laugh with bits and smaller segments — their strong suit, the movie works. But when they’re trying to make you wade through a narrative, or just flat out trying to make you uncomfortable instead of laugh, the movie just doesn’t. If you’re a fan, it’s worth a view, but only expect to laugh 50% of the time. The rest of the time be prepared to sit through the stinky fart. But hey, to some people, smelling stinky farts is really funny. So to all their own.
Look, I’ll be honest. I can’t write an unbiased review for Filly Brown because it was directed by a good friend of mine, Mike Olmos. But I will say this. Much like Hustle and Flow, or 8 Mile, this musical film about the journey, struggles, and hardships of a struggling artist trying to follow her dreams while keeping her family intact, is an ultimate crowd pleaser. The packed house at Eccles we saw it with gave the film, as well as the INSANELY talented lead, Gina Rodriguez, a standing ovation at the end. Mark my words, she’s going to be huge. And she deserves it. She’s incredible.
If you want to see a solid, entertaining, and pure crowd pleasing flick, definitely make sure you check out Filly Brown.
And support my boy Mike. He’s one of the good guys. And a damn good director.
Every country is entitled to their own version of some plain and simple entertaining fluff. To me, that’s exactly what Grabbers is — Ireland’s version of some easy to swallow, smile-causing fluff. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel by any means, in fact it blatantly steals ahem, I mean pays homage to a slew of other horror movies. But hey, those were fun movies so I don’t quite mind the complete liftingnods to those other flicks. It’s not trying to win an Oscar. It’s just here hoping everyone has a fun ride.
Grabbers is a horror comedy dealing with some alien creatures that landed in the water and have washed ashore. It doesn’t take long for them to start offing the townsfolk and causing all kinds of trouble. But it’s Ireland so, stereotype or not, we have to have alcohol in the mix here somewhere, so that’s when they find out that even though these things like to suck blood, if you have too much alcohol in your system it poisons them. This simple concept makes for a balls out second half where everyone in town just gets loaded. The resulting party at the bar is exactly the kind of place I would want to be, regardless of the things lurking just outside the doors. If all of this sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. But that’s the charm of Grabbers. It doesn’t really give a shit. It’s just having fun.
The creatures are fun and look a lot like mutant octopus/starfishes. The FX work is actually top notch for a low budget flick. And for those of you who complain that in creature movies you never get to see the creatures, well, never fear because Grabbers gives them almost equal screen time as the actors. And speaking of the actors, you can tell they’re all just having a good time. Filled to the brim with character actors and odd faces of every kind, the town definitely has an authentic feel to it. It’s kind of refreshing.
Now, as far as my complaints, there are a few. First, it’s not really scary. It’s fun, but not scary. It could have been scary, but they didn’t really go that route. Whether that was a conscious decision or just the outcome, I’m not sure. But if you’re looking for a scary flick, you’ll be a little disappointed. And as far as lifting from other movies, it does get a bit out of hand at times. I’m all for paying homage and nods, but when you lift an entire scene (remember Gremlins? Well, obviously so does the writer and director) sometimes it makes you cry for them to have come up with something more original. Tremors was OBVIOUSLY a major influence, even down to the title, Grabbers sure sounds a lot like Graboids from Tremors. And hell, even the final line is stolen directly from Aliens. Instead of “Get away from her, you bitch!” Here, you get the more crass, and more Irish, “Get away from him, you cunt!” Yep, not hiding it too much.
Anyway, quibbles aside, it’s still fun fluff. If you want to pass 95 minutes or so with an entertaining, drunken, Irish creature flick, check out Grabbers when it comes your way. Just don’t be surprised if you feel like you’ve seen a lot of it before.
So my film viewing is ramping up. Seeing 3-4 movies a day, shuttling around town to different venues, all while trying to squeeze in some food and sleep, doesn’t really provide too much time to write a longer review for everything. But I’m still going to try. Just don’t blame me if some are shorter than others, especially for ones that didn’t impact me as much as I’d like.
Sadly, A Fierce Green Fire didn’t impact me as much as I wanted it to. It isn’t that it’s not a good film. Because it is. It’s an extremely well researched, heavily informative film. It’s just that it felt more like a lengthy and dry history lesson than something with more passion and heart.
The subject of environmentalism and the various “green” movements are something very near and dear to my heart. I love the natural world and am very frustrated with the current “big-business” hijacking of all environmental laws. This is a ripe subject. But by starting way back at the beginning of the movements, and talking about how they all got started, he stumbled out of the starting blocks. This is something that may work in theory when structuring the film, hell, if I was doing the subject I’d probably do the same thing, but as you’re watching it, it’s just all very dry and dull. I would have chopped these earlier subjects in half. For me, it wasn’t until almost two hours later when it gets to the more current serious political/environmental connections and problems, thst this film really caught fire with me. To me, this is the most important. I know to know where we are, you have to know where we’ve been, but it jest felt like we were “where we’ve been” judg a little too long and without as much heart and passion. This should have been the entire subject more head on. It should have brought more passion to the mix instead of just reciting history.
All in all, it was well made, and will find fans. But for my liking, it lacked that certain passion to push it over the edge. It’ll find a nice home on History channel or something, but probably nothing larger.
I love horror movies. You all pretty much know that already or else you wouldn’t even be on this blog. And many of you know that one of my all time favorite movies from any genre is The Shining. To me there’s almost nothing bettter than Kubrick’s masterpiece. But lately right now I’m obsessed with documentaries. I’m watching them constantly. While most recent studio movies are leaving me feeling blah, documentaries are filling that void with riveting and interesting ideas. So imagine how excited I was when I read about Room 237, a documentary about The Shining!! It’s like I’ve died and gone to my own personal heaven.
Knowing where I’m coming from, it’s almost preconceived that I was going to love this movie, and SHOCKER I did, insanely. Room 237 is all about Kubrick and his masterpiece, but not in a typical way. It’s a deep study about the meanings, metaphors, parables, and even conspiracy theories that Kubrick uses and/or hides in his film. Talking to different voices ranging from scholars, professors, and just obsessors, Kubrick’s masterpiece is picked apart more fiercely than road kill by coyotes. And it’s an absolute fascinating journey.
Using the fair use copyright law, the entire film is shown in pieces and picked apart showcasing these many theories in detailed ways that honestly make you watch every single piece of the puzzle differently. Everything from the usage of a specific kind of canned baking powder in the background of certain shots to how the dissolves actually were made to dissolve in a certain way to cause an overlapping image that says something else, no stone is left unturned. It’s absolutely fascinating.
Now, even though I didn’t necessarily agree with everything that was presented, like one theorist’s “connection” to Kubrick’s involvement in faking the moon landing and his apparent “admission” in using certain images in the Shining (I’m serious), that’s not the point here. You’re not supposed to agree with everything that’s being said. It’s merely all here as a showcase to reveal that Kubrick, a man with a 200 IQ level had a purpose for everything. It’s meant to show that while no one may fully understand his work, one thing everyone can agree on, he was making more than simple movies. He was making art. And art never has one simple explanation.
If you’re a Shining or Kubrick fan at all, it is an absolute requirement to watch this movie.
One of my favorite sub-genre of horror films is the horror anthology film. A few mini-movies with a common theme, connected by a linking story that weaves its way throughout. They don’t make them as much anymore so when I heard that Sundance had a “found-footage” anthology horror film in the Midnight section this year, I was elated. Because contrary to many, I still really love found footage horror movies as well. Written and directed by a whole bunch of awesome horror guys that I really dig (including Ti West, director of one of my favorites from the last few years, The House of the Devil), and conceived by a guy that most every horror nut knows, Brad Miska from the Bloody Disgusting website, my hopes were high. Well, last night was the premiere. So what did I think? Hmm, let me put it this way… I liked about 75% of it.
Anthology films are always a mixed bag because you have so many different segments, each done by a different team, so they really do open themselves up for a roller coaster critique. It’s almost like you have to review it as a few different episodes of a TV series. But then, along with that, because it’s a single film, you have to review it as a whole as well. I gotta say as individual episodes, as well as a single film, it never quite fully succeeds, but it never fails either. It’s about a 75% mixed bag throughout.
The linking story doesn’t really provide much other than a few scares towards the end, and that was a minor quibble with me. I wanted more out of the linking story. More of a vested reason for all of this. Maybe even something that actually connected everything together. But we didn’t get that. In fact, strangely they even end the linking story before the end of the film, just arbitrarily playing another segment for the end instead. Usually these stories provides a bookend, but for some reason they didn’t do that. That’s one of my main complaints with the film as a whole, as well as a majority of the segments. Nothing that happened seemed to have any reason. Nothing was ever explained. Everything just… happened. I know that in itself is scary. Trust me. But here it just came across as confusing and well, quite frankly, a little bit lazy. It’s harder to think of a reason for things to happen, and much easier to just let them happen. I doesn’t require much, just throw us a tiny nibble or hint of meaning.
But enough of my complaints, let me talk about what I enjoyed. As a whole, I enjoyed the visceral feel of the film, even though occasionally it felt a little too shaky. I enjoyed the “you’re there” feel of the while thing. And I enjoyed the range of different stories (for the most part.) As far as the individual segments, I don’t want to ruin their premises here because that’s part of the fun, but I do want to talk about the segment I enjoyed the most. The one, in my opinion, steals the show, is the segment filmed completely using Skype on MacBooks. The girl on one end of the webchat is having scary experiences happen to her while the man on the other end (and in the bottom corner, just like in a real webchat) just helplessly watches. It’s a very clever usage of found footage, and one that definitely changes the game, so to speak. A runner up for me was the final segment, which in contrast to most of the other stories, actually makes use of some clever special effects to a seriously haunting effect.
All in all, the segments that were just one long build-up to a single punchline weren’t quite as effective as the ones that had more scares and suspense throughout. But they all had their own place for sure. And no, this isn’t a mass audience film at all. In fact, I think it would have played a LOT better on a small TV set instead of a large screen. But regardless, for its intended audience it’s a worthy view. Just expect it to be about 75% worthy, and you won’t leave disappointed.
This is a difficult movie to review because it’s one I’d much rather have people experience instead of read about. I’ll admit to something right up front… I had no idea who Ai Weiwei (pronounced eye way-way) was before I saw this movie. Don’t judge. I just didn’t. But boy oh boy do I know who he is now, and I couldn’t be more impressed with this man’s courage against such an oppressive juggernaut as the Chinese government. He is an important man that more people in the world need to know about.
To put it succinctly, Ai Weiwei is an artist. His art is on display around the world and has been named the most important artist in the world by some publications. But to simply call him an artist is like calling Mozart just some guy who plays music. Ai Weiwei is so much more. It’s better to call him an activist. He’s an activist against one of the most oppressive governments in the world. He just uses his art as a way to get his opinions and judgements out to the world in an area where these opinions are usually silenced.
Many people might know about Weiwei as the guy who designed the Bird’s Nest stadium for the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games, only to later decry the entire Olympic games for the government’s treatment of their people in order to put on a facade for the world. He speaks his mind and people need to hear what he has to say.
Whether its his crusades to show the government’s cover up of how many schoolchildren were killed in the devastating 2008 earthquakes (because of their shoddy, cheap construction in order to save money); or speaking up and providing a voice for government imprisoned fellow artists; or simply Tweeting about his journeys in trying to get justice for a life threatening head injury inflicted by police on an illegal raid; Weiwei is a fearless crusader trying to bring worldwide notice to the acts of an entire nation that uses secrecy as its ultimate weapon.
Normally a documentarian needs to find an “angle” to provide the throughline of the story. With Never Sorry, she didn’t need to because Weiwei himself provided that. All she had to do was continue to let the camera roll and let him decide the course. Many ups and downs, his journey has it all. It’s an extremely powerful film that makes you want to take action. I suggest everyone does by following Weiwei on Twitter @aiww and the film @awwNeverSorry.
The more you learn the story, the more you find yourself with no other choice but to act.
A link to the trailer is below. I highly suggest you watch it.
Tomorrow I head to Park City for the glorious splendor of the Sundance Film Festival. Ahh, 7 straight days of drinking, movie viewing. I’m going to try and hit as many of the Midnight horror flicks as I can. I hope to provide a few small reviews of these little gems for anyone who might find them interesting. In the past I’ve seen some amazing flicks up there like Blair Witch Project, Saw (yep, it was a Sundance movie!), The Descent, OldBoy, I Saw The Devil, Troll Hunter, Dead Snow, and countless, countless others. Let’s pray there’s some amazing viewing experiences this coming week. And when there is, I’ll be sure and let you know.
And now to venture out into the snow. Farewell LA, Utah here I come.
To commemorate this happy, happy day, I present to you one of my favorite Friday the 13th scenes. It’s just so simple and awesome.
ENJOY!
Now, I also know a lot of you horror fans have already seen that. So for your viewing pleasure, I also give to you the very rare, and mostly unseen, UNCUT version of that scene. Much more brutal, but not nearly as funny. Brought to you by the boys at Shivers of Horror. Thanks fellas!
Now go out and celebrate by killing some hobos!
And hey, why not bring along a sleeping bag and try this out! Could be fun!
Here it is. The final day of the Horror Advent Calendar. The Climax. The twist. The ultimate reveal.
And guess what, not everything is as it seems. I knew what I was doing here. You’ve all played into my plan perfectly. Don’t you see? You were all my victims the entire time! Bwahahaha!
I write horror films. I study horror films. I live and breathe everything horror. So I know what’s horrifying. And you know what’s truly horrifying? Reliving horrifying things. Of COURSE I basically used you for the last 24 days as part of my long strategy of making you trudge through horrifying scenarios, long best forgotten. I made you experience horror during a month where horror normally takes a back seat. Forget goodwill towards men, let’s make you think about how man is awful and evil! BWAHAHA! It’s my job to bring horror, and the most horrifying process of doing that is a horrifying list of horrors to make you absorb said horror! Don’t you see!? It’s so horrifically meta!
But it’s not just me. All these year-end countdowns and lists are to blame. They make you relive things you really wished and hoped you’d forgotten. So while you read all these numerous year end lists, watch countless year end specials, remember they’re doing exactly what I set out to do — make you fully realize how horror can show its face throughout the year.
Thank you for being part of my experiment. Thank you for being my victims.
And I hope you join me again next year… for the sequel.
But, wait! How can you actually call our beloved Angry Birds something horrifying? How on Earth can you besmirch the beloved finger-pleaser that is Angry Birds? But… Wait… This… Stop… You just… YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!
Oh, but I can. I’ve had enough of these little bastards. They’re turning us into 5-second attention spanned zombies, and they may bring upon the end of the world as we know it. You’ll see why in a moment.
Look, I’ve played Angry Birds. A lot. Everyone has. It’s everywhere. You can’t escape these little assholes even if you tried. There are multiple apps, even dealing with different seasons. Hell, there was even a tie in with the movie, Rio, complete with it’s own app. They’re on every phone. They’re on computers, TV’s, game systems, even the new Roku has them built into it. They have stuffed animals, TV shirts, posters, they even have their own Google commercial. There’s even a series of games now where you can recreate the angry birds levels in reality. They. Are. EVERYWHERE. But here’s the deal. And this is something that you may not even realize, but they are zombifying our race.
Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone lately? Watch TV for longer than 15 minutes? Or even cook a meal? I’m betting that in the middle of that conversation, during a “slow” part of the show, or maybe that 2 minutes while something is boiling, you’ve fired up your Angry Birds. ”I’ll just do one level.” You tell yourself this. But that level turns into two… three… Damn, two stars? That’s bullshit. I need those three stars. I need to do it over and over! I need more! Cave level?! Sweet! The food can boil over! I don’t care about the ending of that show! Who the hell needs to have human interaction when I have my beloved ANGRY BIRDS!
They’re destroying us from the inside out. First they seem so sweet and innocent, but then the addiction grabs hold. It’s like a python. Maybe it first it may seem like a sweet massage, but just wait until your bones start to crack, one by one, tighter in its grasp. This is what the Angry Birds are doing to our attention span. They are snapping its bones one by one.
It’s almost impossible for us to do anything for more than a few minutes now because we need constant action. We need to fill every small gap with something more and more and more! This is a horrifying trend. They say that Jazz is best defined by the gaps in the music. By what you don’t hear. This is true for our lives as well. We need those little gaps between things to reflect and really think about what’s going on, what’s happening around us, and what our next move should be. But now we’re filling those gaps with Angry Birds. And our world is going to shit. Coincidence? I think not.
So the next time you think, “I have a few minutes, I can fire through a few levels of Angry Birds.” Remember, you could be aiding in ending the world as we know it. We need those gaps. Savor those gaps. Take a breath and just let a moment sit.
Don’t fill them with these little Horsebirds of the Apocalypse. They bring nothing but pain.
This, to me personally, might be the single most horrifying trend of 2011.
Lately, everyone is talking about the decline of the movie industry. There aren’t as many viewers heading to the multiplexes. There aren’t as many DVD sales. There just doesn’t seem to be as much interest. People in my industry are FREAKING out. There are a million excuses, theories, and blames, but to me it’s simple. The film industry is losing the largest component of what made it so huge in the first place — its imagination.
The movie business has always been just that — a business. Let’s not forget that up front. But… it has changed. Once all the major studios were bought and taken over by larger conglomerates, it become less about its core foundation of ideas and originality, and more about only one thing and one thing only — the bottom line. It’s sad really. I could honestly talk for pages and pages and PAGES about this subject, but I’ll try and be succinct. This is what’s happening. Movie studios are now traded publicly. Stock prices are involved. Since stock prices are more important than actual product sometimes, it’s more about what shareholders will find “exciting.” These shareholders usually have no clue about the industry itself. They know what they know. This is why you are seeing more sequels, remakes, and reboots than ever. If at a shareholder meeting they talk about their new slate of product, and no one has heard of any of it, the shareholders get scared. Fear takes hold, and they run. Thus, the stock drops. BUT, if they announce, hey, we’re going to have Scream 4, Transformers 8, and another reboot of Batman! That’s when the shareholders go, “hey, I’ve heard of those! The first ones made money, these surely will too!” And thus, the stocks go up. This is a main reason why the horrifying trend continues. Fear vs Comfort, and stock prices. I know this may seem very meager in its explanation, but without setting fire to my fingertips typing a novel, it’ll have to do.
This is one of the main reasons Hollywood is losing it’s imagination, and nothing new is being put out there. It’s truly horrifying to me. But guess what, audiences are getting more savvy. They know when they’re bored of the same old, same old… THIS is why there is a decline in sales. THIS is why there’s a decline in attendance. Stop blaming new media, piracy, and a million other things. It all bears down to QUALITY. If Hollywood made more quality, original, and fresh movies with the same budgets that they throw at the remakes and sequels, we’d be in another heyday of moviemaking. But sadly, it’s not the creative types behind the wheel. It’s the suits. I’ll give you an example. Look at Inception from last year. Not everyone may have liked it, but it was original, fresh and new. And it actually had a huge budget behind it and big stars. Guess what happened? 800 million dollars worldwide and 8 Academy Award noms. Point, set, match.
Look Hollywood. Stop bitching about it and fix the problem. Return to a place where imagination and originality holds sway. We as fans want it. We crave it.
I couldn’t talk about the horrifying events of 2011 without mentioning–*insert booming voice here*–CARMAGEDDON!!! Or as others called it, CARPOCALYPSE!!! Or as I ended up calling it, “the single most pleasant weekend in the history of Los Angeles.”
Obviously this one was personal because I live in LA, but I know for a fact that this baby was news all over the nation, hell, it even bled into other nations’ news as well. Yes, a stretch of the 405 freeway, the busiest freeway in the nation, was going to be closed down for a weekend during the high tourist season month of July. When they announced this, you may as well have thought that they announced children all over the country were turning feral and eating the livers of all adults in sight.
People went ape shit, to say the least.
It was enormous news for months. And the predictions were flat out apocalyptic. The traffic would be stopped for hundreds of miles, even all the way down to the Mexican border, they said. Every service street would be a parking lot, they said. No one would move and emergency vehicles wouldn’t be able to get anywhere, so don’t even think about getting injured, they said. Life will stop as we know it, they said. People were frenzied.
Then the day came… and it was amazing.
Everyone stayed home. No one drove. Everyone actually followed the instructions and made plans. It was amazing. Los Angeles, instead of being a commuter palace, became a city with walking neighborhoods. People hung out together. People stayed home and actually experienced where they lived. They left their cars parked. Thus, the outcome was empty roads, no driving, pleasant people, happiness, and in my opinion, the single most pleasant weekend in the history of Los Angeles. There was nothing horrifying about it. It was awesome.
But… There is still horror out there. There will be an outcome that is even more awful and horrifying.
People mocked the preparedness of the weekend. People everywhere went, “they made us worried for nothing, and nothing happened.” Everyone blamed the local government and mocked them. They flat out said they’re not listening when they close it any other time in the future (which it’s slated to be again soon, actually, to finish the job they started.) Don’t you see the horror here? The only REASON it was a pleasant weekend and wasn’t filled with the horrors everyone thought was BECAUSE people heeded the warnings and stayed home. If people weren’t scared and didn’t stay home, it would have been just as awful as they said. But for some reason people don’t think that way. That’s where the horror resides. When this happens next time , everyone will just wave their hand and say, “pishaw!” ”Remember Carmageddon? Nothing happened then, and nothing will happen now.” And then no one will heed the warnings. No one will listen. And then all hell WILL break loose.
Now, next time, we’re all screwed. Logic will not prevail. And we will all die in a fiery inferno of death and carnage! Don’t you realize, Los Angeles? This is a town where sequels rule. They’re always bigger and better, with more explosions and more insanity. You’ve been warned… The true Armageddon isn’t Carmageddon at all.
As a writer who actually loves words, sometimes I get a little ornery when they release the Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary’s list of added words for the year. I’m pretty much the furthest thing in the world from pretentious–I write slasher films for God’s sake–but still this just makes me sad. I solemnly shake my head at the notion that these are now real words. They’re not slang, or street talk, but actual WORDS. Sigh… Instead of ranting, I’ll simply present a list of some of them and let you decide for yourself.
tweet (can’t I just stop here?) retweet (I really wish I would have stopped with tweet.) bromance (seriously.) cougar (and no, not as in the animal… as in a older lady who preys on young men. Yep. Real word now. Sigh…) woot (okay, I’m done with the comments now. I’m just done.) LOL OMG sexting robocall fist bump helicopter parent boomerang child
cyberbulling
Okay, I’ll just stop there. You can look up the rest if you want. There was more than 150 added this year. Some make sense like “social media”, other just don’t. I mean LOL and OMG are abbreviations! They’re not even words! But yep, these are REAL WORDS NOW. Real. Words. Bromance… real word.
I’m sure Shakespeare would have absolutely loved to use bromance and woot. Just flows off the tongue.
The continuing effort toward the complete and utter domination of selfishness continues. Sure, you see it in politics all the time, and the workplace, and definitely wall street, and well, pretty much everywhere. So why should it shock me that it’s now seeping into what is supposed to be the most selfLESS and giving time of the year?
Yep, I’m talking about another horrifying Christmas trend today which fits nicely into my advent calendar of horrors. And one just really haunts me because of how blatant it is. The trend of being a “Self Santa” has slowly been popping up lately. I’ve seen the idea being advertised and bandied about on numerous different ad campaigns and weekly sale papers. But I’ve also seen a whole bunch of different “news” stories about it, both on local news and network. What the hell is going on? Why are we proudly displaying such selfish attitudes and being happy and trite about it? Well, I have a theory, and it is a horrific scenario.
You’ve heard me rant about the terrifying trend of popular selfish reality “stars” and shows that pride themselves on “ALL ABOUT ME” attitudes like The Kardashians and Jersey Shore, but think about it. These types of scenarios are the outcome! People love TV. It guides them. It sadly steers many people’s lives. And this latest trend of “ME” shows are helping proliferate that being selfish and being all about me are just super cool! If we celebrate these assholes who pride themselves on being selfish pricks, then we will all eventually become selfish pricks ourselves. And if a nation of selfish pricks isn’t terrifying to you, then you deserve this trend to get more and more popular. I hope no one ever does anything for you ever again, you selfish, selfish bastard. ”Self Santa.” Good lord.
If this trend continues (and I really hope it doesn’t) pretty soon Santa’s notable, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” will be changed to “Me, Me, Me!“
And I really hope it doesn’t. C’mon America. Nip this stupid trend in the bud.
Sigh… Mom Jeans. Or what American Apparel calls them, “High-Waist Jeans” or “Easy Jeans.” Whatever you call them, I call them vomitously awful. And yes, I had to make up the word, “vomitously” for this. Such garbage deserves a word.
Seriously, have you seen these things? They are true horror in fashion form. And yes, in 2011 American Apparel has brought them back and… wait for it… is selling them for $80.
This whole thing just makes no sense, so I think I know how this happened, and this is what makes it so horrifying. This has to be a fashion trend created by, what I can only imagine as, disfigured mutants who work below the Earth as “fashion gurus” figuring out what makes the rest of us humans look so utterly awful so that they can feel slightly better about themselves. This is the only explanation and it’s a frightening thought. Just imagine those creatures in The Descent, only wearing fedoras, another trend they’ve been desperately trying to bring back.
Oh disfigured fashion mutants, you may have clouded the vision of most of the others, but you haven’t fooled me. I know exactly what you’re trying to do. But I’m already a step ahead of you. Don’t think I already know that you’re going to try next…
…And Bellbottoms are not going to make a comeback, so don’t even try.
