MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Festive Kwanza!

May your drinks be filled up to the rim, and your knives be pushed in to the hilt.

Enjoy this time of year.  Snuggle up by the fireplace… and watch a horror movie.

See you in January, friends.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #24: Year End Lists About Horrifying Things.

Here it is.  The final day of the Horror Advent Calendar.  The Climax.  The twist.  The ultimate reveal.

And guess what, not everything is as it seems.  I knew what I was doing here.  You’ve all played into my plan perfectly.  Don’t you see?  You were all my victims the entire time!  Bwahahaha!

I write horror films.  I study horror films.  I live and breathe everything horror.  So I know what’s horrifying.  And you know what’s truly horrifying?  Reliving horrifying things.  Of COURSE I basically used you for the last 24 days as part of my long strategy of making you trudge through horrifying scenarios, long best forgotten.  I made you experience horror during a month where horror normally takes a back seat.  Forget goodwill towards men, let’s make you think about how man is awful and evil!  BWAHAHA!  It’s my job to bring horror, and the most horrifying process of doing that is a horrifying list of horrors to make you absorb said horror!  Don’t you see!?  It’s so horrifically meta!

But it’s not just me.  All these year-end countdowns and lists are to blame.  They make you relive things you really wished and hoped you’d forgotten.  So while you read all these numerous year end lists, watch countless year end specials, remember they’re doing exactly what I set out to do — make you fully realize how horror can show its face throughout the year.

Thank you for being part of my experiment.  Thank you for being my victims.

And I hope you join me again next year… for the sequel.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #23: Angry Birds.

Yep, you heard me.  Angry Birds.

But, wait!  How can you actually call our beloved Angry Birds something horrifying?  How on Earth can you besmirch the beloved finger-pleaser that is Angry Birds?  But… Wait… This… Stop… You just… YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!

Oh, but I can.  I’ve had enough of these little bastards.  They’re turning us into 5-second attention spanned zombies, and they may bring upon the end of the world as we know it.  You’ll see why in a moment.

Look, I’ve played Angry Birds.  A lot.  Everyone has.  It’s everywhere.  You can’t escape these little assholes even if you tried.  There are multiple apps, even dealing with different seasons.  Hell, there was even a tie in with the movie, Rio, complete with it’s own app.  They’re on every phone.  They’re on computers, TV’s, game systems, even the new Roku has them built into it.  They have stuffed animals, TV shirts, posters, they even have their own Google commercial.  There’s even a series of games now where you can recreate the angry birds levels in reality.  They. Are. EVERYWHERE.  But here’s the deal.  And this is something that you may not even realize, but they are zombifying our race.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone lately?  Watch TV for longer than 15 minutes?  Or even cook a meal?  I’m betting that in the middle of that conversation, during a “slow” part of the show, or maybe that 2 minutes while something is boiling, you’ve fired up your Angry Birds.  ”I’ll just do one level.”  You tell yourself this.  But that level turns into two…  three…  Damn, two stars? That’s bullshit.  I need those three stars.  I need to do it over and over!  I need more!  Cave level?!  Sweet!  The food can boil over!  I don’t care about the ending of that show!  Who the hell needs to have human interaction when I have my beloved ANGRY BIRDS!

They’re destroying us from the inside out.  First they seem so sweet and innocent, but then the addiction grabs hold.  It’s like a python.  Maybe it first it may seem like a sweet massage, but just wait until your bones start to crack, one by one, tighter in its grasp.  This is what the Angry Birds are doing to our attention span.  They are snapping its bones one by one.

It’s almost impossible for us to do anything for more than a few minutes now because we need constant action.  We need to fill every small gap with something more and more and more!  This is a horrifying trend.  They say that Jazz is best defined by the gaps in the music.  By what you don’t hear.  This is true for our lives as well.  We need those little gaps between things to reflect and really think about what’s going on, what’s happening around us, and what our next move should be.  But now we’re filling those gaps with Angry Birds.  And our world is going to shit.  Coincidence?  I think not.

So the next time you think, “I have a few minutes, I can fire through a few levels of Angry Birds.” Remember, you could be aiding in ending the world as we know it.  We need those gaps.  Savor those gaps.  Take a breath and just let a moment sit.

Don’t fill them with these little Horsebirds of the Apocalypse.  They bring nothing but pain.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #22: The Film Industry’s Lack of Imagination.

This, to me personally, might be the single most horrifying trend of 2011.

Lately, everyone is talking about the decline of the movie industry.  There aren’t as many viewers heading to the multiplexes.  There aren’t as many DVD sales.  There just doesn’t seem to be as much interest.  People in my industry are FREAKING out.  There are a million excuses, theories, and blames, but to me it’s simple.  The film industry is losing the largest component of what made it so huge in the first place — its imagination.

The movie business has always been just that — a business.  Let’s not forget that up front.  But… it has changed.  Once all the major studios were bought and taken over by larger conglomerates, it become less about its core foundation of ideas and originality, and more about only one thing and one thing only — the bottom line.  It’s sad really.  I could honestly talk for pages and pages and PAGES about this subject, but I’ll try and be succinct.  This is what’s happening.  Movie studios are now traded publicly.  Stock prices are involved.  Since stock prices are more important than actual product sometimes, it’s more about what shareholders will find “exciting.”  These shareholders usually have no clue about the industry itself.  They know what they know.  This is why you are seeing more sequels, remakes, and reboots than ever.  If at a shareholder meeting they talk about their new slate of product, and no one has heard of any of it, the shareholders get scared.  Fear takes hold, and they run.  Thus, the stock drops.  BUT, if they announce, hey, we’re going to have Scream 4, Transformers 8, and another reboot of Batman!  That’s when the shareholders go, “hey, I’ve heard of those!  The first ones made money, these surely will too!” And thus, the stocks go up.  This is a main reason why the horrifying trend continues.  Fear vs Comfort, and stock prices.  I know this may seem very meager in its explanation, but without setting fire to my fingertips typing a novel, it’ll have to do.

This is one of the main reasons Hollywood is losing it’s imagination, and nothing new is being put out there.  It’s truly horrifying to me.  But guess what, audiences are getting more savvy.  They know when they’re bored of the same old, same old…  THIS is why there is a decline in sales.  THIS is why there’s a decline in attendance.  Stop blaming new media, piracy, and a million other things.  It all bears down to QUALITY.  If Hollywood made more quality, original, and fresh movies with the same budgets that they throw at the remakes and sequels, we’d be in another heyday of moviemaking.  But sadly, it’s not the creative types behind the wheel.  It’s the suits.  I’ll give you an example.  Look at Inception from last year.  Not everyone may have liked it, but it was original, fresh and new.  And it actually had a huge budget behind it and big stars.  Guess what happened?  800 million dollars worldwide and 8 Academy Award noms.  Point, set, match.

Look Hollywood.  Stop bitching about it and fix the problem.  Return to a place where imagination and originality holds sway.  We as fans want it.  We crave it.

And we will pay you heartily for it.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #21: Carmageddon.

I couldn’t talk about the horrifying events of 2011 without mentioning–*insert booming voice here*–CARMAGEDDON!!!  Or as others called it, CARPOCALYPSE!!!  Or as I ended up calling it, “the single most pleasant weekend in the history of Los Angeles.”

Obviously this one was personal because I live in LA, but I know for a fact that this baby was news all over the nation, hell, it even bled into other nations’ news as well.  Yes, a stretch of the 405 freeway, the busiest freeway in the nation, was going to be closed down for a weekend during the high tourist season month of July.  When they announced this, you may as well have thought that they announced children all over the country were turning feral and eating the livers of all adults in sight.

People went ape shit, to say the least.

It was enormous news for months.  And the predictions were flat out apocalyptic.  The traffic would be stopped for hundreds of miles, even all the way down to the Mexican border, they said.  Every service street would be a parking lot, they said.  No one would move and emergency vehicles wouldn’t be able to get anywhere, so don’t even think about getting injured, they said.  Life will stop as we know it, they said.  People were frenzied.

Then the day came… and it was amazing.

Everyone stayed home.  No one drove.  Everyone actually followed the instructions and made plans.  It was amazing.  Los Angeles, instead of being a commuter palace, became a city with walking neighborhoods.  People hung out together.  People stayed home and actually experienced where they lived.  They left their cars parked.  Thus, the outcome was empty roads, no driving, pleasant people, happiness, and in my opinion, the single most pleasant weekend in the history of Los Angeles.  There was nothing horrifying about it.  It was awesome.

But…  There is still horror out there.  There will be an outcome that is even more awful and horrifying.

People mocked the preparedness of the weekend.  People everywhere went, “they made us worried for nothing, and nothing happened.”  Everyone blamed the local government and mocked them.  They flat out said they’re not listening when they close it any other time in the future (which it’s slated to be again soon, actually, to finish the job they started.)  Don’t you see the horror here?  The only REASON it was a pleasant weekend and wasn’t filled with the horrors everyone thought was BECAUSE people heeded the warnings and stayed home.  If people weren’t scared and didn’t stay home, it would have been just as awful as they said.  But for some reason people don’t think that way.  That’s where the horror resides.  When this happens next time , everyone will just wave their hand and say, “pishaw!”  ”Remember Carmageddon?  Nothing happened then, and nothing will happen now.”  And then no one will heed the warnings.  No one will listen.  And then all hell WILL break loose.

Now, next time, we’re all screwed.  Logic will not prevail.  And we will all die in a fiery inferno of death and carnage!  Don’t you realize, Los Angeles?  This is a town where sequels rule.  They’re always bigger and better, with more explosions and more insanity.  You’ve been warned… The true Armageddon isn’t Carmageddon at all.

It’s Carmageddon II.  Coming in 2012.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #20: New Words Added in 2011.

As a writer who actually loves words, sometimes I get a little ornery when they release the Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary’s list of added words for the year.  I’m pretty much the furthest thing in the world from pretentious–I write slasher films for God’s sake–but still this just makes me sad.  I solemnly shake my head at the notion that these are now real words.  They’re not slang, or street talk, but actual WORDS.  Sigh…  Instead of ranting, I’ll simply present a list of some of them and let you decide for yourself.

tweet (can’t I just stop here?)
retweet  (I really wish I would have stopped with tweet.)
bromance (seriously.)
cougar (and no, not as in the animal… as in a older lady who preys on young men.  Yep.  Real word now.  Sigh…)
woot (okay, I’m done with the comments now.  I’m just done.)
LOL
OMG
sexting
robocall
fist bump
helicopter parent
boomerang child
cyberbulling 

Okay, I’ll just stop there.  You can look up the rest if you want.  There was more than 150 added this year. Some make sense like “social media”, other just don’t.  I mean LOL and OMG are abbreviations!  They’re not even words!  But yep, these are REAL WORDS NOW.  Real.  Words.  Bromance…  real word.

I’m sure Shakespeare would have absolutely loved to use bromance and woot.  Just flows off the tongue.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #19: “Self” Santas.

 

The continuing effort toward the complete and utter domination of selfishness continues.  Sure, you see it in politics all the time, and the workplace, and definitely wall street, and well, pretty much everywhere.  So why should it shock me that it’s now seeping into what is supposed to be the most selfLESS and giving time of the year?

Yep, I’m talking about another horrifying Christmas trend today which fits nicely into my advent calendar of horrors.  And one just really haunts me because of how blatant it is.  The trend of being a “Self Santa” has slowly been popping up lately.  I’ve seen the idea being advertised and bandied about on numerous different ad campaigns and weekly sale papers.  But I’ve also seen a whole bunch of different “news” stories about it, both on local news and network.  What the hell is going on?  Why are we proudly displaying such selfish attitudes and being happy and trite about it?  Well, I have a theory, and it is a horrific scenario.

You’ve heard me rant about the terrifying trend of popular selfish reality “stars” and shows that pride themselves on “ALL ABOUT ME” attitudes like The Kardashians and Jersey Shore, but think about it.  These types of scenarios are the outcome!  People love TV.  It guides them.  It sadly steers many people’s lives.  And this latest trend of “ME” shows are helping proliferate that being selfish and being all about me are just super cool!  If we celebrate these assholes who pride themselves on being selfish pricks, then we will all eventually become selfish pricks ourselves.  And if a nation of selfish pricks isn’t terrifying to you, then you deserve this trend to get more and more popular.  I hope no one ever does anything for you ever again, you selfish, selfish bastard.  ”Self Santa.”  Good lord.

If this trend continues (and I really hope it doesn’t) pretty soon Santa’s notable, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” will be changed to “Me, Me, Me!“

And I really hope it doesn’t.  C’mon America.  Nip this stupid trend in the bud.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #18: Justin Bieber Exists.

The true face of horror.

Enough said.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #17: The Return of “Mom” Jeans.

Sigh…  Mom Jeans.  Or what American Apparel calls them, “High-Waist Jeans” or “Easy Jeans.”  Whatever you call them, I call them vomitously awful.  And yes, I had to make up the word, “vomitously” for this.  Such garbage deserves a word.

Seriously, have you seen these things?  They are true horror in fashion form.  And yes, in 2011 American Apparel has brought them back and… wait for it…  is selling them for $80.

This whole thing just makes no sense, so I think I know how this happened, and this is what makes it so horrifying.  This has to be a fashion trend created by, what I can only imagine as, disfigured mutants who work below the Earth as “fashion gurus” figuring out what makes the rest of us humans look so utterly awful so that they can feel slightly better about themselves.  This is the only explanation and it’s a frightening thought.  Just imagine those creatures in The Descent, only wearing fedoras, another trend they’ve been desperately trying to bring back.

Oh disfigured fashion mutants, you may have clouded the vision of most of the others, but you haven’t fooled me.  I know exactly what you’re trying to do.  But I’m already a step ahead of you.  Don’t think I already know that you’re going to try next…

…And Bellbottoms are not going to make a comeback, so don’t even try.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #16: The “Learning” Channel

Okay, here’s some true horror for you…  TLC actually stands for the The Learning Channel.  Haha.  Yeah, right…

TLC stands for “The Learning Channel” about as much as Fox News is “fair and balanced.”  Look, I don’t care what your political learnings are, I really don’t, but we can ALL agree that there is nothing “fair and balanced” about Fox News.  And I’m pretty sure we can also all agree that there is ZERO learning on “The Learning Channel”… that is, unless you want to “learn” how to producer script out and write segments dealing with idiotic people that have 18 kids.

Let’s just take a look at what “learning” is currently taking place on The LEARNING Channel, shall we?

- Toddlers & Tiaras.  Do I honestly have to even go on from here?  I guess here we’re “learning” how to abuse our daughters and make sure that they have eating disorders by age 6.
- Long Island Medium.  Sigh, really?  Here we’re “learning” that shows that feature people with annoying accents are big right now, so they threw one on.
- Sister Wives.  For my Utah folks.  Here we’re “learning” how to show authorities where this polygamist family lives so they can keep being busted and have to move repeatedly.
- My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.  Yep, that’s important to learn about.  Here we’re “learning” that gypsies can be just as big of monsters as other reality shows dealing with weddings.
- Extreme Couponing.  A show… about coupons.  Dear LORD.  I guess on the surface we’re “learning” how to save money, but these people are buying CASES of stuff for no reason only because it looks good for TV.  Just ridiculous.
- What Not to Wear.  A show hosted by pretentious know it all assholes telling people how they should dress.  I guess in this one we are “learning” how to be a judgmental dick.

And the list goes on… and on… and on… and ON!!!

I didn’t even get to the COUNTLESS shows about people having a million kids.  Remember John and Kate Plus 8?  Yeah, that’s healthy.  This channel introduced us to the nightmare that is Kate Gosselin.  That right there should be enough to shut it down.  And then there’s 19 Kids and Counting, Table for 12.  Yes, we are definitely “learning” how to ruin our children’s’ lives by furthering our own proliferation egos.  Holy shit, I’m getting so pissed right now.

Look, this channel actually started as A LEARNING CHANNEL.  You actually learned stuff.  Then, guess what, ratings probably weren’t what they wanted so they decided to fill it with shit.  Because shit sells.  Now, all it’s teaching us is how to be an asshole, how to be a freak that eats weird things, lives in filth, or just pierces shit everywhere.  It’s truly horrific, and this channel needs to be stopped.  Let’s be honest, there is no learning here.  There is only ruining.  So please, join a campaign with me to rename this channel The Ruining Channel.  Because that’s all its doing… ruining people’s lives, and ruining viewers brains.

Screw you, “Learning” channel.

And don’t smile “History” Channel.  You’re next.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #15: “Snooki” has a Book.

Sigh… This dwarf sack of slut garbage has a book.  She knows that 98.4% of her fan base can’t read, right?  And the other 1.6%, well, this will only be the second book they’ll ever read after “How to Eat Fried Worms.”

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO????

How is this possible?  If this isn’t one of the most horrific scenarios of 2011, or of our entire culture’s future, I don’t know what is.  I’ve talked about wastes of space that literally have ZERO to add to the world (see Kim Kardashian), but this one takes it to a whole other level.  She “wrote” a book.  And please, oh please, notice the quotation marks around “wrote.”  They are most definitely there for a purpose and I want them noticed dammit.  Just tell me why is she doing this?  Does she actually think she might “cross over” with the literary crowd?  I’m pretty sure they know that the only time Snooki has ever stumbled into a Barnes & Noble was to puke in their bathroom.

Look Snooki, you are a joke, a slutty, horrifically disfigured, Oompa Loompa orange, duck lipped, overweight but too stupid to realize it, ignorant, skin cancerous, beacon of all things wrong with this culture, joke.  I’m not sure if you heard me, just let me simplify it for you…  You.  Are.  Awful.  And you do awful things with awful people.  Here’s my plea to you, Snooki.  Please don’t write about this awfulness.  You don’t need to actually write about all the juiceheads you bang.  Just go bang them and then you can all die together of a new strain of bright orange AIDS.

Why am I being so abrasive and rough?  Because if you haven’t noticed, this festering sex boil has a BOOK!  As a writer, I take this bullshit personally.  And the sad thing is that it will probably sell solely on the fact that people will always need a White Elephant gift.  Pathetic whores sadly sell in today’s market.  Look at Ann Coulter.

I’m pretty sure that if print wasn’t dead before… this just put the final nail in its coffin.

 

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #14: The Rise of “Air” Things.

First there was air guitar, next came air drumming, now air sex?  Seriously???

When did NOT doing an act start gaining popularity against actually DOING said act?  I’m telling you this new air trend is truly horrifying to me.  Air guitar, air drums, air keyboard, air upright bass, air harp, air clarinet, whatever the hell your air instrument is, it’s all great when you’re jamming in your own brain to the music playing around you.  Hell I’ve used the steering wheel of my car as a drum ever since I learned to drive and put Slayer in my CD player (remember CD’s?)  But when something childish and imaginary starts getting mainstream, complete with contests and surprisingly serious competitions, that’s where we have to stand back and look at ourselves in the mirror.

What the hell is the meaning of this?  Could it be that actually doing these acts is too difficult, but we’re still a species who wants to win and achieve, so we’ve decided to just “perfect” the lazy and meaningless version of it?  Think about that for a moment because that’s a scary thought.  I mean learning the guitar is actually hard, with all those chords and all.  And drumming, man, actually keeping those beats, that’s tough.  But hey, if we could just move our hands around and act like we’re doing it, I could be good at that.  I could still achieve at something while not actually achieving anything at all!  Perfect!  In fact, I’ll try and be the best I can at this meaningless version and give myself some faux self-worth in some competitions against other WAY underachievers.  I just can’t wrap my head around the concept.  Seriously, it’s these competitions that are driving me to madness.  I mean, a competition for something that isn’t anything?  Sigh, seriously.

But lately, I saw a news story that took this to the next level.  And this is what I find the most haunting.  Air SEX is now on the rise.  Yep, you heard me right.  Go to www.airsexworld.com if you don’t believe me.  These are people that go out on stage and try to simulate hot sex, whatever the specific situation may be.  They’re judged and winners are presented.  Now, the real sad part is that when I was looking through the pictures of most of the contestants, I swear these looked like people that may have never had sex in their lives.  But, on the rare chance that they actually have had experience, why would you do this?  I mean, really?

Look, the gaining popularity of these air things of course just could be a lame trend that will come and go.  But… what if they gain so much popularity that people stop doing the things they’re mimicking?  What if people stopped actually playing instruments, and hell, stopped having sex?  What if just acting like you were doing it was good enough?  We’re looking at the end of our world, people.  The end of days!  Air competitions will cause the world to end in December 2012!  You heard it here first!!!

No, probably not.  But until then, these idiots will still be miming their little hearts out.  Yes, miming.  And when these contestants are out there strutting their bodies around pretending to do something they’re not, they should ask themselves this question – does anyone like mimes?

No.  Everyone in the entire world hates mimes.  It’s a scientific fact.

So stop miming and actually pick up a guitar, play some drums, or actually get laid.  If it proves too difficult, find a damn copy of RockBand, grab a Paper Jam guitar, or just look on Craig’s List.  You’ll find with these devices, all three things can prove quite easy.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #13: Christmas in July.

When Christmas starts to take over Halloween, THAT’S where I draw the damn line.

Originally I always found it horrifying that Thanksgiving was the sad forgotten middle child squeezed between Halloween and Christmas.  It was sadly never celebrated in the retail markets.  It was always pumpkins, bats, and witches until Oct 31, then BAM, Christmas trees and stockings on Nov 1st.  It was annoying, but from a retail point of view I guess I just accepted it.  But now, holy lord, how things have changed…

Christmas has now moved further, and further, and further back in the retail yearly timeline.  It finally came to a head when I was in Costco this past JULY and they already had their Christmas stuff out.  JULY????  What the effing eff?  When we’re supposed to be celebrating all things beach, outdoors, and camping, not to mention Independence Day, Costco has already busted out the fake snow, Santa’s, and multi-colored lights.  Costco is the perfect example to use for this, because they are basically the harbingers of all things in the retail holiday department.  So Costco, to you, and others like you, I just have to say… stop it.

Why are we so impatient that we need to celebrate things so far off now?  I’m not sure where it all started, or if Costco had anything to do with its proliferation, but people are now even hosting “Christmas in July” parties.  What the hell is this shit?  Christmas in July?  Are we so desperate for more and more Christmas that we honestly have to find a way to celebrate it twice?  Sigh… Listen, to anyone who hosts a “Christmas in July” party, send me an invitation with your address so I can show up on your doorstep and punch you in the face.  I’ll even dress as Santa if you want me to.

And to bring it back to Costco for the part that really pisses me off the most — the true horror of it all.  This is now having a chain reaction, all-encompassing effect.  Since they start in July, the natural effect is that it only ramps in the progressing months.  So now, when I was there in October, when it’s SUPPOSED to be all things Halloween, they had almost NOTHING Halloween related.  Maybe one stupid ceramic witch that an 86 year old woman thinks is “just scary enough.”  But mainly it was completely dominated by Christmas shit.  Think about that.  No Halloween stuff during Halloween…  Now it’s personal Costco.  When Christmas takes over Halloween, it’s war, bitches.

So listen, whether it’s simple impatience, a retail strategy, or people just seriously and psychotically love Christmas that much that it has to be a year round thing for them, I don’t care.  Christmas is in December, people.  Keep it there.  And if this has any more effect on my beloved October and Halloween, I swear I’m taking Costco and all the other Christmas harbingers down personally.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #12: The Overuse of 3D.

We actually live in three dimensions, right?  I’m just making sure that looking around me, yep, there are actual shapes that have height, width, AND depth.  That’s where I exist alright.  Amazing…  It’s almost like I can reach out and physically touch the things I’m looking at.

Wait… I can.  Because I LIVE here.

So if that’s the world I’m surrounded by every second of my entire life, why the hell are 3D images so damn important?  Why are we trying to create a much more subpar version of where we already exist?  It’s like saying, “Hey, we can breathe on our own, but wouldn’t it be fun to just live life breathing though a scuba tank?  I mean it tastes worse and your lungs actually start to hurt, but hey, it’s like a whole new way of breathing!”  See, that’s insanity.  And that’s what most 3D is to me, insanity.  That’s why this latest proliferation of 3D made this horrifying list, because nothing is more horrifying to me than insanity.

3D is pretty much everywhere now.  Not only is it at the theater WAY too much, especially on movies that absolutely don’t need it (do I need to see a shitty Yogi Bear, Smurfs, or Chipmunks movie in more dimensions than they deserve?), but now it’s also on TV’s at home, video game systems, internet webpages, digital cameras, and even cell phones.  I mean honestly, is our own realities that bad that we have to replace them with these second rate scenarios?  No matter how amazing it may seem, even the best 3D isn’t even close to be perfected.  Normally 3D viewing is blurrier, dimmer, more distracting, and for a lot of people, even causes eye fatigue and headaches.  This is not something that is enjoyable to me.

I mean, look, there are certain situations where 3D works and is justified.  Watching Avatar in IMAX 3D actually transported you to a world that you could never have gone to in reality.  It pulled you in.  You felt there.  James Cameron knows how to wield the tool, and it was amazing, no doubt.  But he is a master of his craft.  The general public is not.  Do I really need to watch home movies shot in crappy 3D that will give me a headache when I watch them?  Or shaky concert footage you shot with your cell phone that happens to have a 3D recording feature?  No, but this is happening.  And it needs to stop.

Look people, just be happy to live in your own reality and forget the damn 3D.  Stare at an apple, grab it, and hey, you can even take a bite if you want!  It’s real 3D!  Forget the gimmick and let’s all just move on…

That is, until the hologram TV’s become a reality.  THEN, I’m so in.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #11: College Coaches.

Welcome to 2011′s new face of horror.

Again, it’s the weekend, so it’s another quick and easy pick so I can chill and watch football.  Ironic then, that the people that coached almost all of these players are my horrifying pick for today.  Honestly, are there more horrifically evil people out there right now?  Step aside Freddy, Jason, and Michael, college coaches are the new psychopaths in town.

Let’s take Jerry Sandusky.  I’m not going to obviously go into everything he did, but let’s just say that Sandusky’s shower room could give Freddy Krueger’s boiler room a run for its money in the terror department.  But it doesn’t stop there.  Sadly, ever since the Sandusky accusations, the flood gates have opened.  Countless other accusers have popped up at college school across the country.  It’s an epidemic, and starting to appear that coaching is the newest profession of choice for pedophiles and sex abusers everywhere.  Did all the Catholic priests from a few years back just turn in their collars for whistles?

It’s just all a terrifying situation right now and makes you think twice every time you see those neurotic coaches pacing the sidelines during the game.  I know everyone need to release stress, but can’t they just drink like the rest of us?  Next time you see a college coach, give him a bottle of Jack and tell him to just calm the hell down.  We don’t need any more Freddy Kruegers in the world.  Remember, Freddy started out as a pedophile as well.  If Sandusky is seen leaving a hardware store with some leather gloves and a set of knives, well, we could have an even more serious problem on our hands.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #10: Donald Trump.

What a bloated bag of foul hot air.  I chose an easy one for today’s horrific entry in the 2011 Horror Advent Calendar because it’s yet another December weekend, I was up at the crack ass of morning watching the lunar eclipse with a way too perky 3rd grader obsessed with astronomy, and this dirtbag vampire/zombie/werehair shouldn’t need much explanation.  S I’ll keep this brief.  Honestly, all you have to do is show his name and most people just roll their eyes and exhale anyway.

I know he’s been around for a while, but in 2011 he reached new heights.  His “presidential run” (aka ratings stunt for The Apprentice) was utterly pathetic enough, but his stance of questioning Obama’s birth was downright sad.  This man is a clown.  Not to mention, he’s a selfish prick only out for himself.  Hell, as awful as clowns are, at least they try to perform for others.  He just performs for himself.  And he’s WAY too happy about his performance.  A walking showcase of the greedy 1%, this man needs to just go away.  But he won’t.  Next up is his presidential “debate” that he’s mediating.  Really?  A presidential debate with Trump, by Trump, for Trump, about Trump, brought to you by Trump.  What a joke.

Yeah, I think I’ll stop there because quite simply I’m done thinking about him.  He’s just a horrific, horrific man with a fat target face I want to repeatedly punch for eternity.

In the media circus, he’s the lead clown.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #9: Red Velvet Everything.

Okay, so this one I know is going to cause me some hatred (especially from my wife), but hear me out and you’ll see why I find this trend so horrifying.

Years ago, when it was more of a rarity, remember when you had a slice of red velvet cake and it was such a nice, welcome treat?  It felt familiar, yet slightly different.  I was kind of like a rich chocolate cake, but not really.  There’s an addition of vinegar, and buttermilk, and a few other things you couldn’t quite put your finger on…  And the best part was it finally gave you a reason to eat cream cheese frosting on something other than shitty carrot cake.  It was just simply a delightful treat.  Well, thanks mainly in part to the explosion of cupcake stores, this joyful feeling is going away.  Like anything that explodes in popularity, the uniqueness and quality is going down.  Way down.  And it’s taking everything I love about the idea of red velvet cake down with it.

Red velvet is still found in cakes and cupcake shops all over, but now you can also find red velvet doughnuts at Krispy Kreme, red velvet pancakes at IHOP, red velvet cookies at the grocery stores, hell, I even saw red velvet hot cocoa at Coffee Bean the other day.  It’s everywhere!  Why is this a problem you ask?  Well, most of these items are not even red velvet at all.  They’re not making that unique “off” taste you get from a true red velvet cake.  This is why I love red velvet in the first place.  Because it IS a little “off.”  But now, they’re simply adding red food coloring to a normal chocolate mix.  They’re bastardizing the entire process, and due to this, all the people in the world who have never actually had red velvet cake are going to eat it for the first time and go, “yum, I love red velvet cake.”  And it’s not even red velvet, it’s just chocolate!  And then what will happen?  This will become the new normal, and the actual red velvet recipes will go away.  Once again, something that was at one time, “off”, will have its edges shaved down and will just just conform to be a bland and boring existence.

Thus, the horror of this is that by exploding red velvet into everything, you’re actually killing it.  I hope you’re happy, murderers.  I guess the red in this velvet isn’t food coloring at all, it’s red from the blood on your hands.

Enjoy your red blood cake, world.  You made it yourself.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #8: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Could it be?  An actual horror movie recommendation from someone who prides himself on horror movie recommendations?  It’s a Christmas miracle!

I figured I had to throw in at least one holiday themed horror flick from this past year.  And if you’re into twisted reinventions of common myths, then you’re not going to do much better than this little Christmas gem from Finland. Now before I get any further I should clarify, while there are some really creepy/scary moments in this movie (the man they “capture” is downright terrifying,) it is far from a straight horror movie.  It’s actually more of an fantasy/adventure film like The Goonies, except a lot darker.  And in this one Santa Claus is actually an ancient demon that punishes “naughty” children by torturing them viciously.

Wait, what..?

Yeah, you heard me.  But trust me… Santa Claus actually being an ancient demon with giant horns that was frozen in the ice years ago only to be excavated by a secretive corporation to try and thaw out, is only the tip of the iceberg.  It is chock full of clever little touches and reinventions of common Christmas myths.  I obviously don’t want to ruin them all here, but one of my personal favorites is the “rules” near the excavation site (“No Swearing”, “No Smoking”, and other apparently “naughty” things.)  It’s just awesome.  And don’t even get me started on the creepy-ass elves.  Dear lord.

Now hey, it’s not a perfect film.  How many are?  Like a lot of foreign films, it’s sometimes an odd film to watch with an American sensibility.  Obviously the Fins have a different basis for what they call parenting, and the dad can be outright abusive.  But I think as hard as some of that is to watch, it all plays in to the tone, and it worked for me.  Look beyond a few of the slower scenes and just get involved in a real original vision.  That’s the key here.  ORIGINAL.  It’s highly original, extremely inventive, and just fun to watch some crazy Finnish filmmakers work some dark Christmas magic.

And I promise you, after you’re done watching the movie, you won’t look at mall Santa’s the same way ever again.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #7: Extreme Christmas Lighting

Okay, so here we go again…  Yet another thing that started so simple and nice, and injected with that secret sauce of “WE CAN GO BIGGER!”  Christmas lights used to be a nice little thing for me when I would drive around our small town with my parents and we would look at the various displays of the neighbors.  A few trees here, a few trees there, maybe lining the roof, a reindeer or two.  Sweet, pleasant reminders that it’s the holiday season.  But no… that wasn’t good enough.  People had to make Christmas lights horrifying.

You know you’ve got a problem when TLC (another post for another day) has shows on its channel titled, “Crazy Christmas Lights” and “Invasion of the Christmas Lights.”  Because that channel loves to focus on its freakshows.  Look, I get it.  A few lights look great.  A few more look better.  But when you literally have more lights on one home than the entire Las Vegas strip, you have a problem.

But it doesn’t stop there.  Oh no.  What’s even more horrifying is that most of these people weren’t happy with just leaving the lights to display on their own.  Most of them now added tons of synchronized motion and music to the mix.  And most have radio frequencies you can tune to so when you drive by you can hear their specifically timed music!  Hell, some even have their own DJ’S!!!  I’m not kidding!  This isn’t Disneyland; these are regular, normal (debatable) people’s homes!  Dear lord, I have no idea where this is going to go next.  Probably some kind of explosions.  But whatever it is, I guarantee it is an even more horrifying place.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

I do have to admit, I have an affinity toward one of these crazy Christmas light enthusiasts.  He doesn’t go apeshit crazy with his displays like most of the others.  But he does have a very specific “angle” that he uses.  One that is close to my heart.

His name is Bobby.  And here is an example of his work.  You’ll see why he and I share a bond.

At the 1 minute mark is where the genius really shows.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #6: Jack and Jill.

This happened.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #5: KFC “Famous” Bowls

Now if everything about these “famous” bowls isn’t absolutely horrifying, I guess I just don’t know horror at all.  Have you actually looked at these things?  I mean dear GOD.  All I can think of is that bowl of vomit eating scene from Peter Jackson’s utterly vile, yet delightful, movie Bad Taste (yep I squeezed in a little horror recommendation there.)  But seriously, these basically are bowls of vomit, or bowls of entrails, or bowls of what I like to call dumpster refuse.  Regardless how you see them, I know they aren’t meant to be edible.  House insulation maybe, but not actually food you are meant to eat.

Jim Gaffigan has a great bit about how they make fruitcakes during the holiday season.  He basically says that the baker just sees all the leftover scraps from everything else he’s cooked and just slides it all into a bowl with his arm and smashes it together.  That’s what these are!  These are the leftover scrapped “fruitcakes” of KFC’s *shivers* kitchen.  And if the notion of KFC’s kitchen doesn’t chill you to the bone, reevaluate yourself.  Now look, I admit, I eat at KFC sometimes, and it’s delicious.  But that’s only because sometimes I hate myself and I feel like I have to do damage to my body to feel alive.  I’m sometimes like the eating equivalent of a cutter.  BUT… a bowl of their leftover garbage?  Please, I’m not suicidal.  Just borderline sociopathic.

And one last thing…  And these types of things seriously piss me off.  How on Earth do they have the nerve to call them their “NEW Famous Bowls”?  I mean, if they’re “NEW”, how can they be “Famous”???  For something to considered famous, doesn’t it have to have been around for a while to achieve that clout?  And I can pretty much guarantee you that the famous moniker would NEVER be just granted to these horrifying bowls of roadkill entrails.  Then again, sigh, I’ve seen more horrifying things happen.

Damn you KFC.

You make me so angry.

And I hate myself when I’m so angry.

I need to hurt myself to feel better.

See you soon KFC.

Bastards.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #4: The Rising Cost of Bacon

Jewish and Muslim friends… please look away for a moment.

On this Sunday morning when I usually make a large breakfast for everyone in the house, of course I think about bacon.  Well, let’s be honest, I think about bacon a lot.  Like… a lot.  It’s a problem actually.  So when I’ve slowly noticed the prices of my beloved salted pork almost double in the past few years, this is when the problems with the economy really punched me the in gut.  Sure, people are losing their jobs and their homes and everything… but paying $8 for a pound of bacon?  That’s where I draw the line.

If this isn’t one of the most horrifying situations this year, then I honestly don’t know what is.

Sigh… bacon.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #3: Death of Steve Jobs

Okay, it’s the weekend and during December, the weekends are more packed then the weekdays, so this weekend, I’ll just be doing two very short picks for the 2011 Horror Advent Calendar.  Basically just a few sentences.

Today, my pick for one of the most horrifying scenarios of 2011 was the death of Steve Jobs.  Not to get too mushy gushy, but a true genius comes along only once or twice in a century.  And we lost ours at the young age of 56.  Of course he was a thinker, but the difference is Steve Jobs didn’t just think… he DID.  If Einstein lived today, I firmly believe they’d be colleagues at Apple.  There’s so many things to say about him, but you’ve heard it all.  I just wanted to hammer home that we honestly lost a vital part of our world this year.  Now that is terrifying.  Godspeed Steve.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #2: Rich Douchebag Lexus Commercials

 

Okay, so trust me when I say that everything on here will relate to horror in some way.  In this case, I’ll just flat out say it… we’re dealing with zombies here people.  Not the good kind of flesh-eating, puss-dripping, rotting from every pore, zombies.  But rather the mindless advertising zombies.

This is an advent calendar after all, so some of it had to actually be holiday related, and nothing to me is more terrifying, and infuriating, that this latest batch of rich douchebag Lexus commercials.  Have you seen these?  Where one rich douchebag gives another rich douchebag a car with a giant red bow on it that probably costs more than my entire holiday budget?  They’re still pounding this into our heads, year after year.  They’re on constantly, and for some reason they must think that every one of their target demographic is watching football, because i’m inundated with these ads at least 20 times a game, I swear.

But here’s why this year’s batch of ads in particular is terrifying.  They basically figure that people are complete zombies to advertising.  Why?  Well, in past years these ads were all focused on just one richie giving another richie the car.  But now they seem to think that because they’ve drilled these ads into our heads year after year, we somehow recognize their specific music they use?  They think we’re such zombies to the campaign that their music is somehow as recognizable as Stairway to Heaven?  In each ad now, the riches come up with equally superfluous ways of actually giving the gift, all hinging on this fact that we just LOVE their little jingle.

In one, some richies are playing Guitar Hero, and somehow he’s programmed the game to play the Lexus jingle.  She recognizes it and flips out, knowing she has a new car waiting for her outside.  Wait… what?

In another, a richie changes his wife’s cell phone ring to the jingle and then calls her on it.  She hears it and flips out.  Car outside.  Huh?

And in another it’s an ornately created music box that one richie gives another.  And when she turns the handle, it specifically plays the Lexus jingle and she flips out.  Forget the craftsmanship of the box, I gots me a Lexus outside.

What the hell is going on!!!???  First of all, who are these programmers and craftsmen that are creating these things?  A Guitar Hero song, really?  A cell phone ring?  A SPECIFICALLY MADE MUSIC BOX?  Who do these advertisers honestly think we are?

They think we’re zombies.  And maybe that’s what we are if we’re buying into this shit.

Until the next football game where I’m sure I’ll see 20 more of these ads, I’m going to go get my daughters hot wheels cars, put small red bows on them, and then systematically throw them all in the fireplace.

2011 HORROR ADVENT CALENDAR – DAY #1: The Kardashians.

Yes, I know you’re used to me focusing on horror movies, but as you’ll see by my first pick, true horror comes in allllll shapes and sizes.  Horror is all encompassing.  Horror is everywhere you turn.  So yes, I will pick some movie moments in this Horror Advent Calendar, but I will broaden the range as well.  Because when I think of what honestly terrified me the most this past year… it’s the Kardashians. And you’ll see why they play into the “horror” realm soon enough.

I just ask one question…  Why are they popular?

Have you ever thought about that for a moment?  I mean they honestly have zero to give to society.  ZERO.  Not a single thing.  I mean what they do actually give to society is all garbage, refuse and herpes.  That to me doesn’t count.  For years I had to listen to my friends who watched their show say things like, “Oh, I like to watch to make fun of them,” and “I just watch it for mindless entertainment.”  Well listen people, it’s not mindless anymore.  This is where the horror comes in…

The Kardashians are f*#@ing vampires.

Yes vampires.  Oh, but they don’t suck blood like most vampires.  They suck humanity, good faith, and intelligence.  Oh and Kim sucked a dick once, which is how they got famous in the first place, but more on that in a moment.  The more they exist, the more this entire world is in danger.  They sadly define a culture that I want no part of.  Obviously by now everyone has heard all of the despicable things they’ve done, from the 17 million dollar wedding, to the crooked credit card scams, and so on, and so on, so I won’t focus on that here.  What I will focus on is what scares me the most.  They are seen as ROLE MODELS.  Role models.  Let that sink in.  These people are the worst example, role or model, you could ever dream of.  They’re selfish, self absorbed, and could care less about any of you unless you gave them free $1000 shoes and the cover shot on a magazine.  Then they’d feign interest in you for a minute, THEN step on your face.  They did a study.  50 years ago when kids used to be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Their answers used to be, “fireman“, “policeman“, “doctor.”  They asked kids today, do you know what the answer is now?  ”I want to be famous.”  Famous.  They don’t care how.  They just want to be famous.  Just like the Kardashians.  Selfish, awful role models, but are “famous.”  This is why they are vampires.  They’re sucking the humanity out of all the next generations.  Soon, this whole world will be filled with nothing but shitheads.  Just like vampires, they’ll turn them all.

Wow, this article went A LOT longer than I set out for it to be, but I guess I had a lot of pent up frustration and horror inside me because I still don’t feel like I’ve even touched the surface.  Regardless, I want to end with one final thought/request.  Ralph Garman, one of my all time favorite people, from the Los Angeles station KROQ (and awesome Babble-On Hollywood! podcast with Kevin Smith) started using the name, “porn star Kim Kardashian” whenever he does a news story about her.  It’s genius.  Why?  Well, it’s quite simple, he states that’s what she is.  That’s why she’s famous.  That’s why ANYONE has heard of her.  She is a porn star that sucked a dick on camera (badly and without passion, I might add.)  So I want to keep that going.  Please America, heed Ralph Garman’s plea.  Refer to her as “porn star Kim Kardashian” from now on.  Because that what she is.  She sucks for money.

They all do.  Goddamn vampires.  All of them.

As a final thought, you should watch the SNL parody for their “divorce special.”  It’s pretty genius.  Here it is:

http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1366614

I’m Back. This Time With a Horror Advent Calendar.

Okay, so I took November off.  Sue me.

But honestly, can you blame me?  October is such a freakishly packed month of everything horror, it should almost be mandatory for everyone in the horror business to take November off to recover.  In addition, lethargy also take hold because November holds another of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving, the only holiday dedicated solely to gluttony.  Ahh, gotta love this nation of ours.  But until Eli Roth makes my dream movie version of his mock trailer, “Thanksgiving” from Grindhouse, November doesn’t hold much in the horror category (unless you count American Horror Story, which I LOVE, but that’s another post for another day.)

But on to December.  Yep, it’s December 1st.  As I was wondering what to make this month’s theme, there were a million ideas that popped into my head — everything from the 12 Days of Christmas Horror, to a coming up with eight bang-up ideas for a killer Hanukkah horror movie (one for each candle in the menorah.)  But as I was downstairs this morning and watched my two daughters voraciously rip into the first day of their advent calendar to find their little chocolate, a candle went off in my head.  I want to do my own advent calendar.

But this isn’t a normal advent calendar.

This is an advent calendar of what I consider some of the most terrifying and horrifying things/situations/moments of 2011.  So it’s kind of an end of the year countdown; it’s kind of a holiday horror treat; but mainly its just a way for me to bring up some great horror moments of 2011, as well as vent about other things I find horrifying (you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about today.)

So, now that this introduction is over, I better write my first post in my 2011 Horror Advent Calendar.  Enjoy.